Archive for March, 2011

 

Seriously… we were just talking about something….hmmm…

Whatever, I will remember it I am sure..

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Tuesday Night Randoms

Posted: March 30, 2011 by AB in Idiot, Rant, Retarded Celebrities

 

 

Captain America Kicks ass-Traileraddict

Steve-O arrested…this time for not stapeling his balls to his leg– MSNBC

Find all your old cars…then creep the current owners-Checkmyride.com

Sasha Grey talks about porn and a bunch of other stuff that doesnt matter– The Daily Beast

Corvette flips going 200 MPH-Autoblog

More Photo Foolishness:

Posted: March 22, 2011 by JS in Rant
Tags: , , ,

COME ON NOW DAMN IT!!!

44% more my ass!  I can see the level each bottle is filled to you filthy bastards.  You’re dicking me out of 5 loads, maybe 10!

Come on Corporate America, can you at least dim the lights before you fuck me?  I’m a little self-conscious, especially about taking it in the wallet in public. And really, must we do this every time I go to the store?!?  Please, I have a headache…

This goes well beyond “ballsy”… this is just downright arrogant.  In fact if you didn’t already have them in your gardens, your Great Rooms, or in the middle of your fountains I would say there should be statues erected to honor your arrogance.

Please, if you’re going to short us 15% – 20%, can you please not make the bottles SEE-THROUGH?

By now we’re all aware of the collision course Charlie Sheen is on with total insanity.  However, Chuck isn’t the only celebrity making news.

I’d like to direct your attention to Richard Hatch… you know, from the first season of Survivor?”  He’s the guy that pranced around in the nude and often referred to himself as something along the lines of the “naked fat guy”.  Anyway, he turned himself in to authorities in Rhode Island so he can begin his prison sentence, 9 months, for unpaid taxes.

As you might have expected, this isn’t Dick’s first run-in with the law, nor is it his first tax-related issue.  He has already spent three years in prison for tax evasion.  That’s right folks… THREE YEARS… TAX EVASION.  With that being said, here’s what our pal Dick had to say about his current misunderstanding with Uncle Sam, “I hope I am released soon.  But this system is not effective in dealing with the truth.”

WHAT?!?  Are you high?!?

You’ve already spent three years in the can for tax evasion.  Are you saying you’re wrongfully accused?  Yes, Dick… the powers that be have nothing better to do than mess with you, you narcissistic prick.  That whole wrongfully accused shit is a ridiculous fantasy perpetuated by the puppetteers in Hollywood to separate you from your $8.50.  If you get sentenced, it’s because you’re guilty, PERIOD.

Need I remind you that after you were released from the clink in ’09 you were supposed to file your ’00 and ’01 taxes.  Taxes from over 10 YEARS AGO! Could you explain to me how you’re just a victim of circumstance and filing YOUR taxes from a decade ago isn’t your fault???  And riddle me this, why in the fuck do you feel you should be “released early”?  Repeat offenders go back to jail… ALWAYS.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a D-list celeb, a stagecoach robber, or a retread mom who’s selling her honey-pot to buy more ‘Tussin and Swiss Cake Rolls.  The ‘Man’ always wins.

It would look way better if you just came clean, Dick.  If you had two nickels to rub together to hire a publicist, they’d advise you to do the same thing; or at least weave a more believable yarn.  So what if you pissed away your Survivor winnings on Mars bars and Swedish erotica videos?  Maybe you spent it on high-colonics gluten-free edible underwear, I don’t know!  We’re not going to judge, just please do us all a favor and stop bullshitting everyone.  If you’re broke because you went on a sex tour while slamming heroin, say so!

Here’s the link to the story if you’d like to read it for yourself.  [Story]

Photo Foolishness:

Posted: March 12, 2011 by JS in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

At least it's an even number...

I took this picture while doing a bit of shopping  just before Christmas time.

Look, I know it was at a dollar store, but seriously… 504 pieces?!?  The store had shelves of them, so they can’t possibly be rejects.  I’d love to meet the jackoff-braniac who calibrated as well as the dolt who decided to package and ship them anyway.

I’m not a religious man, but I pray that this isn’t an American-made product.

Every day something happens that makes me lose a little bit of faith in Mankind.  It’s usually not a lot, just a small percentage here or there.  Today was not one of those days.  Today I nearly gave up entirely on our future as a species.  I work in a mall so I get to see all kinds of embarrassing spectacles of needless purchasing.  In fact, part of my job is to induce said purchases.  I’m a fairly big tech nerd so I have myself indulged in buying fancy products that I don’t really need.  This isn’t about whether or not a person needs a fancy new toy.

As most of you have probably heard something world-changing occurred today.  No, not in Japan.  The iPad 2 was launched.

As I said above, I myself have been prone to buying fancy new toys and this post is not condemning those that just needed to buy Apple’s newest money-maker.  (I do however question the sanity of those who waited in line for 10 hours to get one).  My beef today is with the actions of many of these ass-hats after their purchase.  I witnessed over 100 people today walking around the mall holding their new toy in its pretty Apple bag beaming from ear to ear.  Now this wasnt a “kid-on-Christmas” smile.  It was a “look-how-fucking-cool-I-am” smile.  They waited hours and hours to get one of the most coolest products ever created in the entire world and then instead of going home and actually using it they walk around the mall, not shopping in other stores mind you, just showing off their new status symbol.

I even had the pleasure of viewing, on multiple occasions, total complete strangers recognize that shit eating smile and white bag as they passed by one another and actually engaged in a high-five.  These shit heads are congratulating each other on their coolness.  I guess this is understandable though.  I mean only about 3 million people are going to own one of those things in the next 6 months so I mean yeah, I guess I would do the same thing.  It’s a pretty exclusive club.

At some point I’m sure I’ll give in, sell my original iPad, and pony up for a new tablet of some kind.  But I swear to God, if someone tries to high-five me because they just made the same $600 mistake, the only thing that will keep me from ripping their head off their body will be the fear of my new purchase being damaged in the process.

I’ve been in the market for a new laptop since mine crashed in October… granted, I got it fixed but it’s gotten to the point where it’s on its last legs.

Now that the back story is out of the way…

Yesterday I decided to stop by a local electronics store because they had a deal on a laptop I was interested in.  I won’t mention this retailer by name, however I’ll make numerous references to their large yellow price tag and blue-shirted minions.  For the record, I will not exaggerate or use any hyperbole in this post.

I walked into the big yellow tag store at about 3:45 pm yesterday and made a bee line to the computer section.  In less than 5 minutes I was “greeted” by a sassy petite Asian girl; she wasn’t dressed in the typical blue and khaki combo though so I assume that she was some sort of team leader type.  As is typical with employees who work for this retailer, she was extremely intrusive.  After explaining to her that I was “just looking” she managed to ask me about the following:

  • Why I needed a laptop…
  • What caused this laptop to crash…
  • Who my internet provider is…
  • What type of internet service I have…
  • How much I pay for that service…
  • How long I’ve had service with said company…
  • If that service includes cable and phone…
  • What type of TV I have…
  • Where I am finishing my degree…

After all of this, I finally convince her to go bother someone else because I’m JUST LOOKING.  I walk to the next aisle to check out another model and, less than 5 minutes later, the same girl asks me if I have any questions.  The only thing I can think about is how I want to be a dick and say, “Look, don’t start with me.”  I walk back to the aisle I started in, and I’m approached by Associate #2, another girl also not dressed in blue and khaki.  I have no idea why she stopped over because she was 10 feet away when I was talking to Associate #1.  I assured Associate #2 that I was fine and she then went on her way.

A few moments later, over saunters Associate #3… another female whom I assured I was fine, had no questions, and was in need of no help.  Again, less than 5 minutes later, Associate #1 stops by again… this time offering to take down my information to forward to my cable company to see if I could get a better price from them.  Finally I cave because Associate #1 was relentless.  EVEN while Associate #1 printed cable/internet offers for me, a young man, Associate #4, felt the need to check on me.  Following Associate #4, only a few minutes later, was another gentleman… yes, Associate #5.  Two more blue-clad minions bum rushed me WHILE I WAS ALREADY BEING HELPED!

By this point, I had both settled on a laptop to purchase and become SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of $8 an hour jackoffs asking me “How are you doing?  Do you have any questions I can help you with?”

NO MOTHER FUCKER!  I DON’T!

I asked Associate #1 to get the laptop I wished to purchase, and we moved to a side table to fill out meaningless paperwork.  Why meaningless?  Well, because I have two brain cells to rub together and can plug-in/set up a computer on my own.  Sorry dear, but I don’t need you to “set up” (i.e. plug in) my laptop for $149.00.  Oh, and while we’re talking about things I don’t need, save me the speech on how great your $130.00 “protection plan” is.  I’m barely spending $600, I don’t need to tack on an extra 30% to that.  I also don’t need $40 worth of anti-virus protection.  DID YOU HEAR ME?!?

Finally, she walks me to the register where I spend 15 minutes in line watching idle, blue-attired, oxygen-to-carbon dioxide converters meander about.  $590 later, I was escorted to the door, and allowed to leave.  Wow, if I felt violated after less than an hour, I wonder what Mandela felt like after 27 years?

All in all, I was there for approximately 50 minutes, during which time, I was approached… nay, BOTHERED by 5 different associates on 7 different occasions.

To all of the suits at the yellow price tag retailer, please step into my office:

Look, I know that you’re a profit-seeking entity.  I’m no fool, you’ve got shareholders to think about, employees to provide for, and silk pockets in your trousers that need lining.  But, rather than trying to milk me for a couple hundred extra dollars today, why don’t you instead LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! so that I return another day, to spend hundreds more dollars… and another day after that, and another after that, and so on.  Trust me, you’ll come out further ahead that way.

Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun-Times: WE MUST STOP CONCUSSIONS IN FOOTBALL OTHERWISE THE ROBOTS WILL WIN

Holy shit you have got to be kidding me.  Please tell me that this man doesn’t really have a full-time paying job at a prominent newspaper in America’s 3rd largest sports market.  Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote this little monstrosity back in the middle of February but it wasn’t brought to my attention until recently.

First of all, if you aren’t familiar with this ass-hat’s writing then you’re very fortunate.  This isn’t the first asinine thing he has let dribble out of his laptop and wont be the last.  This is, however, one of the worst.

To spare you from actually having to consume this literary feat that I would compare to a non-sense sandwich served with a side of incomplete thoughts and a desert of insanity I will summarize

-Concussions in sports are bad.

-Telander saw “The Fighter” and “The Social Network” recently and wants to be current.

-Computers are becoming more and more powerful.

-Telander once met Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson.

-Insert hints of world robot takeover here.

Never once does he begin to allow us into the reasoning behind the linking of these subjects, just alludes that if we keep playing these violent sports, at some point, we will be enslaved by computers and robots.  And the answer is “No,” he is not kidding.

So parents of the world.  I urge you to not allow your children to play sports that could turn their brains into mush.  Not because it can seriously degrade their quality of life as they age but to ensure the future of mankind.  I’ll leave you with Telander’s parting remark, “You can be assured that if the battle between machines and humans ever becomes confrontational, it won’t be won by fists and forearms, helmets and sticks to our delicate heads.”

Study up America, the war is coming.

I will admit it.  I have my moments where I get a little caught up in some sort of crazy fad, and for a moment find empathy in the mistake filled lives that some of those around me live..

But this is where I will have to draw the line.

Charlie Sheen is crazy, and lets be honest, his children are completely fucked.  Not only are they currently being raised by a crack head mother, and a porn star…but Dad is waving machete’s around and drinking what appears to be a coke bottle filled with blood.. Tiger……blood. Splendid.

According to Fox News:

“Charlie Sheen climbed to the top of a building in Beverly Hills on Monday, pulled out a huge machete, and paraphrased Martin Luther King, Jr. …..

Waving the machete and drinking a bottle of what he said was tiger blood, Sheen yelled “Free at last … free at last!”

What more can this guy get away with before people realize how fucking crazy he is?  How much longer till he’s wearing skin masks, killing hookers and leading groups of people into the desert to await the “mother ship”?Still not convinced? Fox News continues with”

 

“I’m gonna write my sermons, I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes, and people are gonna fucking take it or leave it,” he said. “We know they’re gonna take it cause they can’t process it, so they must condemn it, and if they can’t condemn it, they’ll like fucking turn me into a god and worship it, and realize I’m behind them, cutting their throats, and their children’s.”

Just play ball!

Posted: March 7, 2011 by JS in Sports
Tags:

Against my better judgment, I decided to watch part of an NBA game while enjoying my lunch today.  Anyone who knows me is familiar with my take on this generation’s NBA… it’s piss poor on its best day and that’s putting it lightly.

Quick sidebar:
Whatever happened to basketball as I remember it growing up?  Basketball as a TEAM sport where guys played defense, ran plays, and didn’t just heave errant jump shots or try to dunk on every play.  The current state of  professional basketball makes me yearn for the days of yore when leaving your feet in a game meant you’d be landing on your back.  Anyway, back on topic…

So I change the channel to find that it’s Chicago at Miami… great, Miami.  I hate their entire roster.  They’ve replaced pre-2004 Utah as the team I despise most and wish the earth would swallow whole.

Possessing hyper vigilant qualities, I immediately notice that something isn’t right.  What the fuck is wrong with everyone’s jerseys?!?  Chicago’s say “Los Bulls” on them and Miami’s say “El Heat”.  Great… fucking fantastic.  Some genius in the league’s marketing department has decided that some sort of Latin-themed day or weekend is necessary to pay homage to the Hispanic community, make basketball more appealing to those of Latin descent, or peddle a more merchandise with Mr. West’s image on it.  For the record, I believe the latter is the most likely scenario.

Well, now my interest is peaked and I’m pissed.  So I start searching the internet.  As it turns out, we’ve just had “Noche Latina 2011”.  Apparently, the NBA and one of the companies responsible for making sure that men’s armpits don’t stink organize a Latin Night each season which, “… celebrates the league’s Hispanic heritage with special telecasts and in-arena festivities, including distinctive NBA team uniforms.”  To quote The Situation, “What?!?”  Let me get this straight, in order to tip your cap to the Latin community, you’re going to butcher their language and stick “El”, “Los”, and “Nueva” in front of the team names.  That’s it?  “Los Spurs”?  “Nueva York”?  I assume you’re also passing out burritos or chimichangas to the first 10,000 fans at each game right?!?  Here is the link so you can check out this abortion for yourself:

http://www.nba.com/enebea/news/right_guard_noche_latina_2011_02_17.html

Note that the blurb that pimps the special merchandise comes a full TWO PARAGRAPHS before the two sentence explanation for why teams are wearing different jerseys to begin with:

”    …features uniforms that display the team name as spoken by the Latin population. The Miami Heat, for example, is “El Heat”; the San Antonio Spurs are referred to as “Los Spurs.”    ”

Excuse me, Mr. Stern… I refer to your on-court product as ‘shit’, can I get a Chicago jersey that says “Bull Shit”???