Archive for January, 2012

Ok.. so I lied.  But a dusty old Mercedes just crossed the block for the obscene amount just south of $5,000,000 dollars.  That’s a lot of fucking zeros. Not saying the rare piece of automotive machinery wasnt worth it, but there are a lot of things a man can do with that kind of coin. In fact, my girlfriend has shared on more than one occasion that she would be scared if the day ever came where I would have mass amounts of disposable income.  I don’t think I am too far off to suggest I would crowd my house with random trinkets, purchase odd and ridiculous items on a mere whim, install various trap doors and hidden rooms in my home and quite possibly involve myself in the black market trading of antiquities and exotic animals.

That being said, the car above lacks many of the conveniences that I simply cannot live without at 29 years of age.  Namely bluetooth, Ipod connectivity and seat warmers.  A fucking Hyundai Elantra has these items, and that car is an ungodly piece of shit.

Here is the vehicle in question:

 Owning a vehicle such as this would honestly serve two purposes. One, to let everyone on my block know that I am an insufferable douchebag, willing to spend more on a single car than some countries produce any given year. Second, the only justifiable reason to own this car would be to pretend you are a British Secret Agent.  Were talking Armani suit wearing, piece carrying, 3 different alias’ with passports to various European countries… the works.

I have posted previously on my slightly unhealthy curiosity with all things Lohan, so when she makes a public rebellion against under garments, it tends to catch my attention.  So here she is, sans bra,  leaving some place I could care less about and looking a little healthier than she has in the not so distant past. If you are looking for some sharing of wisdom, I aint got shit,  So Enjoy.

**If you were looking for more of this madness, do a google search Perv

Ok Ok I lied…here you go 🙂 Gawker.com(NSFW)

*Source Daily Mail

Call it whatever you wish, but Joe Paterno went from being healthy as a horse, to dead in a matter of 3 months.   Some will call it Karma for what transpired in the Jerry Sandusky scandal.. I prefer to call it a tragedy.  45 years on the job, more NCAA Division 1 wins than any other at 409, saw over 200 of his former players go onto professional football, and respected for pushing his players to excel on and off the field.

I strongly believe that a man should be judged on his entire body of work, than any one particular situation.  He was a standup guy for most of his days, and made a terrible..terrible, mistake. He failed to act when he alone was in a position to make his most grand act..  but nobody can say exactly what happened that day and the minutes and hours after, and nobody knows exactly how they would have reacted in that situation.

Rest in Piece Joe. Your efforts and contributions will not be forgotten.

 

***This is British hottie Rosie Jones, not Casey Anthony obv.

This is less about Casey “Fucking” Anthony, and more of a plea to the American Public.  Stop.  Stop caring about this cold-hearted bitch. Stop.  Enough about some dipshit supposedly hacking her computer. Stop.  No more TMZ, People Magazine, Nancy Grace and all the rest who find it necessary to publicize a person who has and will continue to try to profit from her innocent daughters death.  She is the scum of the earth, the gum under my shoe, the shit crusted on my dogs ass, and the lowest of the low.

Can we please all agree…people like this should not be romanticized.  Like the dumb bitches who wrote Ted Bundy love letters when he was on trial for murdering at least 30 young women.. This shit has to stop.  Our opinions matter when someone hurts or endangers a child.  People SHOULD care when some horrible piece of shit decides the life of another person is less important than their own.  But when the dust settles, the trial is over, and life resumes….let’s not glorify them.  Let’s isolate that poor bastard and get them off our TV’s.   Knowing what some serial rapist ate for breakfast this morning, or watching Casey Anthony on YouTube will not save some kid from getting beaten nor does it enrich the livesof anyone. If you feel your life is better after sending a murderer fan mail, then you need to get your head checked.

So please.. next time you decide to pick up that magazine or read some Yahoo article about the life of a douchebag.  Stop.

Oh…Here’s another look at Rosie.. In case you were looking 🙂

You’re welcome -AB

36 days and counting ladies and gentlemen.  You’ve all got 36 days left to make dinner reservations, order flowers, buy lace teddies and crotchless panties, book a hotel room, put the bubbly on ice, and wax or shave every nook and cranny of your undercarriage.  Why?  For a long, hot night of Valentine’s day lovin’ of course.

If you fancy something a little more exotic, you may want to consider booking a trip to Pittsburgh.  That’s right… I said Pittsburgh.  Pennsylvania.  The Steel City.  Home of ‘The White Mamba’ and Primanti Bros. sandwiches.  For $75, you and your mate can spend a steamy evening at the Pittsburgh Zoo’s Valentine’s Day “adults only” event which is set to include:

“…dinner, cocktails, and an adults-only presentation by Henry Kacprzyk, who will reveal the intimate secrets of exotic animal mating.  From the most violent mating battles to the subtlest courting rituals, learn how the animals of land, sea, and air find love in the wild.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I am walking a little bowlegged… I was just mind-fucked by the above statement.  Who… in their RIGHT MIND would want to spend Valentine’s Day night at the fucking ZOO learning about how animals get down?!?  If there’s one thing I know, it’s that nothing gets a woman percolating like elephants, lions, and rhinos forcefully penetrating unsuspecting mates.  Just think fellas… all that uncut animal crank, she’ll practically chew through your belt to get at your joint.  Yes people, in case you couldn’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.

If there was even a sliver of a chance of Valentine’s Day ever becoming a legitimate holiday, the Pittsburgh Zoo just donkey punched that straight to hell.  Just think of the dregs of society’s underbelly that will attend this event.  Ever seen those shows on deep cable about weird and taboo sex?  Multiply that level of dirty, weird, and disturbing by 100.  On Valentine’s Day, the Pittsburgh zoo will be full of Prince Alberts, gimp balls, curvy “BBW’s”, and hairy guys in ass-less chaps.  Hopefully the walk-in clinics in the greater-Pittsburgh area will have a fresh supply of prescription pads on hand because I have a feeling that, on that night, VD won’t stand for Valentine’s Day.

Who's got two thumbs and tickets to the zoo for Valentine's Day? This guy...

Am I going to Pittsburgh?  Not a chance.  But you’re thinking about it… don’t lie.  Just think, maybe you’ll get a chance to give her a Cincinnati Bow Tie.  If you’re lucky… and not eaten by a lion.

You can read the story here.

This morning I was blessed with a lovely article from the Folks at Readers Digest. They were ever so nice to write this incredibly detailed expose on tipping etiquette.   They included 5 simple tips to better assist a patron in how and when they tip….and….

Its absolute Bullshit.

Yep.

Please, let me explain.

Before I dive into this abomination, I will let you know that I have worked in the restaurant business,  as well as a pizza delivery guy.  I know and understand how much certain people rely on tips.  I have driven miles and miles in order to deliver a simple cheese pizza, only to be stiffed on the tip. Most of the times that this happened, it had little to do with my job performance and more to do with the fact that I just delivered to an absolute douchebag.  If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to order pizza.  The next time you do, rest assured I will mistreat your pie in a way you will not be happy with.

That being said, the advice given in these “When/how to tip” articles is going to make me kill someone.

Here’s the deal folks: If I purchase a $5 coffee… you do NOT deserve a tip.  You have prepared a product for me that I have purchased.  End of story.  You did the bare minimum required at your job.  You don’t deserve a reward.  You did not deliver it to my work place, you did not come back to my table 3 times to offer me a refill or provide me with a napkin, you simply took my order, and gave me the item I requested.  I am not going to give you an additional $2 because your employer feels “tips” should make up for the shity hourly wage that you AGREED to upon your hire.

If you fuck up my meal, bring it to me cold, don’t check back for refills or simply act abrasive or rude…you will not be getting a tip, or you will get a very small one. Spare me the “it’s not my fault” or “we share the tips, and you’re hurting everyone” by not tipping routine. In my line of work, if the detail dept doesn’t buff that scratch I promised, or my finance manager tries to charge you a higher rate than I quoted, or the car doesn’t have the features I was told it would have… guess what… I AM the one who takes the blame…not the rest of the folks at my dealership.  Same goes for you.  If you want a good tip, here are steps to follow: If its taking a bit longer, check in on me and let me know.  Dont keep me waiting. If the food is cold, warm it up.  If you’re having a bad day, go the fuck home and have someone else help me.  See!? Pretty damn easy.  And if you really fuck things up, apologize, then comp me.  I will tip you graciously, and will appreciate that you are human and mistakes happen.

Lastly, this post makes this outrageous claim about drink orders: “Twenty percent is way too much – it’s just a drink! The standard in most bars is $1 for each beverage or 10 percent, which generally adds up to $1”.  Wait..  20% is TOO MUCH?  But $1 a drink is standard??  Am I not understanding something??  Where exactly are we dining that the drinks are ten bucks a piece????  By that 10% rule, you are getting a .50 cent tip on my beer…at the very most.  Seems you folks at Readers Digest are a bit out of touch.

The fact is, NOBODY DESERVES ANYTHING as far as a TIP goes. It’s a Tip, not your wage.  You Earn your tip.  I am not going to be bullied to reward mediocrity.  You are not entitled anything, and that is perhaps the root of a lot of problems in this country.  I tend to tip Extremely well when provided exceptional service, and I tip very reasonably when given the service I expect.  But I will not fill your wallet with my hard-earned money simply because you feel you deserve it. I am not tipped at my job and I spend hours and hours trying to make a single customer happy.

Fuck you, go to hell and get a new job you useless piece of shit.

 

 

You know the feeling you have when you put on an old jacket or pair of pants and find a $20 bill in the pocket?  I had the same feeling when I caught a glimpse of the following headline:

‘If Fred Got Two Beatings Per Day…’ Homework Asks

Since nothing intrigues me more than stupid, corn-fed, inbred good ol’ boys, I was compelled to click the headline and read the story.  As you can imagine, I was not disappointed.

As the story goes, third grade teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary in Gwinnett County, Georgia thought it would be a good idea to give students math homework with a splash of racism errr, I mean… social studies.

This past Wednesday, third graders were given math homework that included the following questions:

Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?”

“If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?”

Yet another question asked students to determine how many “baskets of cotton” Frederick filled.

Let’s cut the bullshit folks, this is just further proof that people from the South are, by and large, stupid.  Now, before you bombard me with a million and one examples of nice people from the South, yes, I know that they exist.  I’ll be the first to admit that Paula Deen and her sons are sweet as sugar, which makes the fact that everything they cook is smothered in butter, deep-fried, or will otherwise elevate my cholesterol to dangerous levels acceptable.  I’m not talking about that kind of Southerner.

The type of Southerner I’m talking about are the ones in the Discovery Channel’s “Moonshiners”, CMT’s “Bayou Billionaires” or “My Big Redneck Vacation”, and such wonderful MTV programs as “Teen Mom”, “True Life…”, “16 and Pregnant”, or “Caged”.  Take the promos for MTV’s “Caged” for example… as far as I can tell, this show revolves around high school-aged kids that have already decided that their only option in life is cage fighting.  One young woman who looks like she has yet to reach the age of consent in most right-thinking states is shown with a baby on her lap talking about how if her man doesn’t win, then his life is basically meaningless.  Correction sweetheart, his life and yours are ALREADY meaningless!  You’ve already pushed out a calf and he’s chosen the life of a punching bag!  My favorite part of the promo though is where they show footage of one of the guys drinking followed by footage of his “Mama” drinking while he explains that he drinks because he has to deal with his problems and his Mom’s problems.  Hmmmm… the more I think about it, maybe cage fighting is a too lofty of a goal for these folks.  Still not convinced people from the South, in terms of intelligence, are in in the third of the population that make the upper two thirds possible?  Then do me a favor, watch ESPN’s “Roll Tide/War Eagle”.  The level of stupidity will blow your mind.

Anyway, back to the racist fucking homework story that started me on this rant.  Think about it… the teachers who decided that math questions dealing with slavery and the beating of said slaves are appropriate for children under the age of ten are examples of the rarer, more educated redneck… these people have college degrees and are TEACHING CHILDREN!  And note that I said teachers, not teacher.  This wasn’t the result of one racist dumb ass teacher getting a burr under his/her saddle because a person of color looked at them wrong… no, MULTIPLE, “educated” people thought that this “cross-curricular activity” (the joyful euphemism a school district spokesperson used to describe the incident) would be a good lesson for THIRD GRADERS.

I know that people in this country get all bent out of shape about illegal immigrants from South of the border, but we should really be more concerned about the crayfish eating, moonshine guzzling, church going/God-fearing, racist, sister-fucking assholes here at home.  The Civil War and slavery ended almost 150 years ago… it’s time for people on the other side of the Mason-Dixon Line to GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY and stop raising future generations of racist animals!  Keep your personal bigotry to yourself and away from other people’s children!

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before word gets out that the high school’s mascot is the “Massa”, the Superintendent of Schools is a card-carrying KKK member, there are confederate flags in every classroom, and that the crossing guards are in black face and dressed as lawn jockeys.

And we often wonder why the rest of the world looks down on America… maybe they have a point.

If you’d like to read the story for yourself, it can be found here.

I have sat on this for since lunch today, and decided to take to the masses with it..

You see…today I was given a prophecy, this forecast of curio has left me speachless..I am unsure how to proceed.

I was provided the divination you see as follows:

I do not know my course of action…a Fortune such as this truly does not come around that often.  The cliché cookie message of  ” It is never too late, just as it is never too early”, or perhaps “True wisdom is found in happiness”, and the always predictable “Good things take time”, are found at damn near every Asian inspired, Cookie providing restaurant..  But this…this is something new entirely.  I feel as if I am Charlie, and this is my Golden Ticket…Like Indiana Jones and this is my fathers Grail Diary.. This message, this directive cannot be ignored, and I must succeed in the mission I have been chosen for.. The question burns..

“What shall I do”? What constitutes as “unusual”? Is this something I consider uncommon or weird? This I know, I have been provided the ultimate permission slip, and such an object cannot be wasted.

I really think I need more time. I am getting a headache over this.. I will get back to you .

This link has been posted just about everywhere, here is the clip if you havent seen it yet.

I have many thoughts on this, namely the fat prick who idolizes Ron Artest and Dennis Rodman.  The fact he snickers and giggles to himself after he unleashes one of his pudgy cheap shots is incredible. Like he did something special. I am sure a lifetime of obesity coated failure and rejection will ultimately be the last laugh.

Here is my other question… Where are the fucking parents??? If that fat fuck ever put his pimply arm onto one of my kids like this, he would be tasting Reebok in his mouth till next season.

 

Oh Christina…What might have been.   To think just a short time ago, You looked like this…

 

And even after  you pushed out that wailing bastard child of yours, you looked like this for a while…

 

And while looks aren’t everything, there is absolutely no excuse to have turned into this…

Good God.  You are world famous!!! You have MILLIONS OF FUCKING DOLLARS AND NOTHING TO DO BUT SIT ON YOUR DUFF AND THINK OF WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF MORE MONEY!!  Get a personal trainer, a gym membership, a dietician and a fucking grip on reality and fix your chunky ass!

-AB