Tips Please?

Posted: January 9, 2012 by AB in Its my opinion, I can have it if I like, Rant
Tags: , , , ,

This morning I was blessed with a lovely article from the Folks at Readers Digest. They were ever so nice to write this incredibly detailed expose on tipping etiquette.   They included 5 simple tips to better assist a patron in how and when they tip….and….

Its absolute Bullshit.


Please, let me explain.

Before I dive into this abomination, I will let you know that I have worked in the restaurant business,  as well as a pizza delivery guy.  I know and understand how much certain people rely on tips.  I have driven miles and miles in order to deliver a simple cheese pizza, only to be stiffed on the tip. Most of the times that this happened, it had little to do with my job performance and more to do with the fact that I just delivered to an absolute douchebag.  If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to order pizza.  The next time you do, rest assured I will mistreat your pie in a way you will not be happy with.

That being said, the advice given in these “When/how to tip” articles is going to make me kill someone.

Here’s the deal folks: If I purchase a $5 coffee… you do NOT deserve a tip.  You have prepared a product for me that I have purchased.  End of story.  You did the bare minimum required at your job.  You don’t deserve a reward.  You did not deliver it to my work place, you did not come back to my table 3 times to offer me a refill or provide me with a napkin, you simply took my order, and gave me the item I requested.  I am not going to give you an additional $2 because your employer feels “tips” should make up for the shity hourly wage that you AGREED to upon your hire.

If you fuck up my meal, bring it to me cold, don’t check back for refills or simply act abrasive or rude…you will not be getting a tip, or you will get a very small one. Spare me the “it’s not my fault” or “we share the tips, and you’re hurting everyone” by not tipping routine. In my line of work, if the detail dept doesn’t buff that scratch I promised, or my finance manager tries to charge you a higher rate than I quoted, or the car doesn’t have the features I was told it would have… guess what… I AM the one who takes the blame…not the rest of the folks at my dealership.  Same goes for you.  If you want a good tip, here are steps to follow: If its taking a bit longer, check in on me and let me know.  Dont keep me waiting. If the food is cold, warm it up.  If you’re having a bad day, go the fuck home and have someone else help me.  See!? Pretty damn easy.  And if you really fuck things up, apologize, then comp me.  I will tip you graciously, and will appreciate that you are human and mistakes happen.

Lastly, this post makes this outrageous claim about drink orders: “Twenty percent is way too much – it’s just a drink! The standard in most bars is $1 for each beverage or 10 percent, which generally adds up to $1”.  Wait..  20% is TOO MUCH?  But $1 a drink is standard??  Am I not understanding something??  Where exactly are we dining that the drinks are ten bucks a piece????  By that 10% rule, you are getting a .50 cent tip on my beer…at the very most.  Seems you folks at Readers Digest are a bit out of touch.

The fact is, NOBODY DESERVES ANYTHING as far as a TIP goes. It’s a Tip, not your wage.  You Earn your tip.  I am not going to be bullied to reward mediocrity.  You are not entitled anything, and that is perhaps the root of a lot of problems in this country.  I tend to tip Extremely well when provided exceptional service, and I tip very reasonably when given the service I expect.  But I will not fill your wallet with my hard-earned money simply because you feel you deserve it. I am not tipped at my job and I spend hours and hours trying to make a single customer happy.

Fuck you, go to hell and get a new job you useless piece of shit.




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