People from Pittsburgh are some nasty motherf*ckers…

Posted: January 10, 2012 by JS in Its my opinion, I can have it if I like
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

36 days and counting ladies and gentlemen.  You’ve all got 36 days left to make dinner reservations, order flowers, buy lace teddies and crotchless panties, book a hotel room, put the bubbly on ice, and wax or shave every nook and cranny of your undercarriage.  Why?  For a long, hot night of Valentine’s day lovin’ of course.

If you fancy something a little more exotic, you may want to consider booking a trip to Pittsburgh.  That’s right… I said Pittsburgh.  Pennsylvania.  The Steel City.  Home of ‘The White Mamba’ and Primanti Bros. sandwiches.  For $75, you and your mate can spend a steamy evening at the Pittsburgh Zoo’s Valentine’s Day “adults only” event which is set to include:

“…dinner, cocktails, and an adults-only presentation by Henry Kacprzyk, who will reveal the intimate secrets of exotic animal mating.  From the most violent mating battles to the subtlest courting rituals, learn how the animals of land, sea, and air find love in the wild.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I am walking a little bowlegged… I was just mind-fucked by the above statement.  Who… in their RIGHT MIND would want to spend Valentine’s Day night at the fucking ZOO learning about how animals get down?!?  If there’s one thing I know, it’s that nothing gets a woman percolating like elephants, lions, and rhinos forcefully penetrating unsuspecting mates.  Just think fellas… all that uncut animal crank, she’ll practically chew through your belt to get at your joint.  Yes people, in case you couldn’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.

If there was even a sliver of a chance of Valentine’s Day ever becoming a legitimate holiday, the Pittsburgh Zoo just donkey punched that straight to hell.  Just think of the dregs of society’s underbelly that will attend this event.  Ever seen those shows on deep cable about weird and taboo sex?  Multiply that level of dirty, weird, and disturbing by 100.  On Valentine’s Day, the Pittsburgh zoo will be full of Prince Alberts, gimp balls, curvy “BBW’s”, and hairy guys in ass-less chaps.  Hopefully the walk-in clinics in the greater-Pittsburgh area will have a fresh supply of prescription pads on hand because I have a feeling that, on that night, VD won’t stand for Valentine’s Day.

Who's got two thumbs and tickets to the zoo for Valentine's Day? This guy...

Am I going to Pittsburgh?  Not a chance.  But you’re thinking about it… don’t lie.  Just think, maybe you’ll get a chance to give her a Cincinnati Bow Tie.  If you’re lucky… and not eaten by a lion.

You can read the story here.

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