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Every day something happens that makes me lose a little bit of faith in Mankind.  It’s usually not a lot, just a small percentage here or there.  Today was not one of those days.  Today I nearly gave up entirely on our future as a species.  I work in a mall so I get to see all kinds of embarrassing spectacles of needless purchasing.  In fact, part of my job is to induce said purchases.  I’m a fairly big tech nerd so I have myself indulged in buying fancy products that I don’t really need.  This isn’t about whether or not a person needs a fancy new toy.

As most of you have probably heard something world-changing occurred today.  No, not in Japan.  The iPad 2 was launched.

As I said above, I myself have been prone to buying fancy new toys and this post is not condemning those that just needed to buy Apple’s newest money-maker.  (I do however question the sanity of those who waited in line for 10 hours to get one).  My beef today is with the actions of many of these ass-hats after their purchase.  I witnessed over 100 people today walking around the mall holding their new toy in its pretty Apple bag beaming from ear to ear.  Now this wasnt a “kid-on-Christmas” smile.  It was a “look-how-fucking-cool-I-am” smile.  They waited hours and hours to get one of the most coolest products ever created in the entire world and then instead of going home and actually using it they walk around the mall, not shopping in other stores mind you, just showing off their new status symbol.

I even had the pleasure of viewing, on multiple occasions, total complete strangers recognize that shit eating smile and white bag as they passed by one another and actually engaged in a high-five.  These shit heads are congratulating each other on their coolness.  I guess this is understandable though.  I mean only about 3 million people are going to own one of those things in the next 6 months so I mean yeah, I guess I would do the same thing.  It’s a pretty exclusive club.

At some point I’m sure I’ll give in, sell my original iPad, and pony up for a new tablet of some kind.  But I swear to God, if someone tries to high-five me because they just made the same $600 mistake, the only thing that will keep me from ripping their head off their body will be the fear of my new purchase being damaged in the process.

Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun-Times: WE MUST STOP CONCUSSIONS IN FOOTBALL OTHERWISE THE ROBOTS WILL WIN

Holy shit you have got to be kidding me.  Please tell me that this man doesn’t really have a full-time paying job at a prominent newspaper in America’s 3rd largest sports market.  Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote this little monstrosity back in the middle of February but it wasn’t brought to my attention until recently.

First of all, if you aren’t familiar with this ass-hat’s writing then you’re very fortunate.  This isn’t the first asinine thing he has let dribble out of his laptop and wont be the last.  This is, however, one of the worst.

To spare you from actually having to consume this literary feat that I would compare to a non-sense sandwich served with a side of incomplete thoughts and a desert of insanity I will summarize

-Concussions in sports are bad.

-Telander saw “The Fighter” and “The Social Network” recently and wants to be current.

-Computers are becoming more and more powerful.

-Telander once met Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson.

-Insert hints of world robot takeover here.

Never once does he begin to allow us into the reasoning behind the linking of these subjects, just alludes that if we keep playing these violent sports, at some point, we will be enslaved by computers and robots.  And the answer is “No,” he is not kidding.

So parents of the world.  I urge you to not allow your children to play sports that could turn their brains into mush.  Not because it can seriously degrade their quality of life as they age but to ensure the future of mankind.  I’ll leave you with Telander’s parting remark, “You can be assured that if the battle between machines and humans ever becomes confrontational, it won’t be won by fists and forearms, helmets and sticks to our delicate heads.”

Study up America, the war is coming.