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DICK.

While drinking my morning coffee and checking out Yahoo News, I stumbled upon this headline and proceeded to go APE SHIT:

“John Edwards Juror Flirts With Him.”

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to comment on a few things…

  1. John Edwards, for those of you who are unaware,  is a pretentious narcissistic asshole.  Period.  Let’s review his list of accomplishments:
    1. US Senator from North Carolina (1998 – 2004).
    2. Vice Presidential nominee (2004).
    3. US Presidential candidate (2004 & 2008).
    4. Had an affair with a campaign worker WHILE HIS WIFE BATTLED STAGE IV BREAST CANCER.
      1. Not only that, but he continued the affair after copping to it despite that his wife was terminally ill.
    5. Fathered a child, with the above-mentioned skank.
      1. In typical political fashion, he denied being the child’s father for nearly FOUR YEARS despite admitting to the affair two years earlier.
      2. Edwards had a member of his campaign team claim paternity of the child and tried to convince him to find a doctor to falsify paternity test results.  In addition, Edwards asked the poor patsy to steal one of the child’s diapers so he could have his own DNA testing done.
      3. The cherry on this fucked-up sundae?  There are also reports that Edwards and the skank made a sex tape.  Did I mention this all occurred while his wife Elizabeth was terminally ill with stage IV breast cancer?
    6. Not comfortable outside of the limelight, Edwards is currently on trial and facing SIX FELONY CHARGES: four counts of collecting illegal campaign funds (allegedly to cover up his affair), one count for conspiracy, and one of making false statements.
      1. This is where Johnny’s narcissism is in full bloom.  While in the courtroom , he has been observed OPENLY FLIRTING WITH ONE OF THE JURORS!  Now, granted, she’s “only” an alternate juror… but, she’s present in the courtroom to stay hip to all of the deliberations and they’re flirting!  The jezebel in question is described as “…an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.”  Edwards, never one to turn away vagina of loose morals or questionable judgment, openly reciprocates her smiles and blushes when she giggles in return in full view of God and everyone.
      2. It seems that not even 30 years in prison and a fine of $1.5 million is going to prevent Big Johnny from trying to dip his wick.  I wonder, though, if he’ll blush as eagerly when he’s in the joint and the wanting glances come from Nasty Nate in the cafeteria or Big Steve in the shower room.
  2. This trial is an absolute circus and a waste of time (and taxpayer dollars).
    1. “The Honorable” Judge Catherine Eagles is a disgrace to the bench and needs to be relieved of her duties immediately.
      1. Not only is she allowing Edwards and this juror to play patty-cake in front of a courtroom full of people, but she is allowing the four alternate jurors to be a distraction in general.  On Thursday, all four showed up in court in matching clothes, bright yellow shirts, while snickering aloud as Eagles addressed the court.
    2. Speaking of the alternate jurors, how in the hell did any of them make it through the selection process?!?  Don’t you need to be at least 18 to be on the jury?  These four jack-offs are acting 13 at best!  To be fair though, it is almost summer break, maybe they’re just anxious…
  3. Lastly, I’ve got a nickel’s-worth of free advice for the this saucy, jet-black minx (who will be referred to as “Juror # Whore” for the duration of this post).
    1. Just think for a moment if things do work out… say you’re able to sneak in a passionate encounter with the defendant before he’s put away.  It will all be for nothing.  I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but Big Johnny violated federal law; and people in federal custody aren’t allowed conjugal visits, meaning he’ll never get to finish on your back.  But then, who am I kidding?  John Edwards has a kid out of wedlock, he doesn’t back down from a lie, and he certainly doesn’t pull out…
    2. Sweetie, didn’t your momma teach you better than this?  You don’t go after a washed-up former Senator that’s at risk of going up the river for the rest of his erection-getting life. You get a job on Capitol Hill clerking for a current Senator or Congressman willing to jeopardize their family and political career for a series eager blow jobs and enthusiastic-yet-hurried intercourse in campaign offices or dicey motels on the outskirts of town.  From there, the sky’s the limit baby… you AIM HIGH girl!  Solve those daddy issues!

In closing, I’d like to leave you with some food for thought:

  1. If things happened a bit differently, John Edwards would be running this country right now.
  2. If you find yourself facing some legal troubles and you find yourself in Judge Eagles’ courtroom, fear not, I’m sure she’ll preside over your case honestly and fairly.
  3. Once this case has unfolded, there is sure to be an aptly-named porno chronicling this trial.
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36 days and counting ladies and gentlemen.  You’ve all got 36 days left to make dinner reservations, order flowers, buy lace teddies and crotchless panties, book a hotel room, put the bubbly on ice, and wax or shave every nook and cranny of your undercarriage.  Why?  For a long, hot night of Valentine’s day lovin’ of course.

If you fancy something a little more exotic, you may want to consider booking a trip to Pittsburgh.  That’s right… I said Pittsburgh.  Pennsylvania.  The Steel City.  Home of ‘The White Mamba’ and Primanti Bros. sandwiches.  For $75, you and your mate can spend a steamy evening at the Pittsburgh Zoo’s Valentine’s Day “adults only” event which is set to include:

“…dinner, cocktails, and an adults-only presentation by Henry Kacprzyk, who will reveal the intimate secrets of exotic animal mating.  From the most violent mating battles to the subtlest courting rituals, learn how the animals of land, sea, and air find love in the wild.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I am walking a little bowlegged… I was just mind-fucked by the above statement.  Who… in their RIGHT MIND would want to spend Valentine’s Day night at the fucking ZOO learning about how animals get down?!?  If there’s one thing I know, it’s that nothing gets a woman percolating like elephants, lions, and rhinos forcefully penetrating unsuspecting mates.  Just think fellas… all that uncut animal crank, she’ll practically chew through your belt to get at your joint.  Yes people, in case you couldn’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.

If there was even a sliver of a chance of Valentine’s Day ever becoming a legitimate holiday, the Pittsburgh Zoo just donkey punched that straight to hell.  Just think of the dregs of society’s underbelly that will attend this event.  Ever seen those shows on deep cable about weird and taboo sex?  Multiply that level of dirty, weird, and disturbing by 100.  On Valentine’s Day, the Pittsburgh zoo will be full of Prince Alberts, gimp balls, curvy “BBW’s”, and hairy guys in ass-less chaps.  Hopefully the walk-in clinics in the greater-Pittsburgh area will have a fresh supply of prescription pads on hand because I have a feeling that, on that night, VD won’t stand for Valentine’s Day.

Who's got two thumbs and tickets to the zoo for Valentine's Day? This guy...

Am I going to Pittsburgh?  Not a chance.  But you’re thinking about it… don’t lie.  Just think, maybe you’ll get a chance to give her a Cincinnati Bow Tie.  If you’re lucky… and not eaten by a lion.

You can read the story here.

You know the feeling you have when you put on an old jacket or pair of pants and find a $20 bill in the pocket?  I had the same feeling when I caught a glimpse of the following headline:

‘If Fred Got Two Beatings Per Day…’ Homework Asks

Since nothing intrigues me more than stupid, corn-fed, inbred good ol’ boys, I was compelled to click the headline and read the story.  As you can imagine, I was not disappointed.

As the story goes, third grade teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary in Gwinnett County, Georgia thought it would be a good idea to give students math homework with a splash of racism errr, I mean… social studies.

This past Wednesday, third graders were given math homework that included the following questions:

Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?”

“If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?”

Yet another question asked students to determine how many “baskets of cotton” Frederick filled.

Let’s cut the bullshit folks, this is just further proof that people from the South are, by and large, stupid.  Now, before you bombard me with a million and one examples of nice people from the South, yes, I know that they exist.  I’ll be the first to admit that Paula Deen and her sons are sweet as sugar, which makes the fact that everything they cook is smothered in butter, deep-fried, or will otherwise elevate my cholesterol to dangerous levels acceptable.  I’m not talking about that kind of Southerner.

The type of Southerner I’m talking about are the ones in the Discovery Channel’s “Moonshiners”, CMT’s “Bayou Billionaires” or “My Big Redneck Vacation”, and such wonderful MTV programs as “Teen Mom”, “True Life…”, “16 and Pregnant”, or “Caged”.  Take the promos for MTV’s “Caged” for example… as far as I can tell, this show revolves around high school-aged kids that have already decided that their only option in life is cage fighting.  One young woman who looks like she has yet to reach the age of consent in most right-thinking states is shown with a baby on her lap talking about how if her man doesn’t win, then his life is basically meaningless.  Correction sweetheart, his life and yours are ALREADY meaningless!  You’ve already pushed out a calf and he’s chosen the life of a punching bag!  My favorite part of the promo though is where they show footage of one of the guys drinking followed by footage of his “Mama” drinking while he explains that he drinks because he has to deal with his problems and his Mom’s problems.  Hmmmm… the more I think about it, maybe cage fighting is a too lofty of a goal for these folks.  Still not convinced people from the South, in terms of intelligence, are in in the third of the population that make the upper two thirds possible?  Then do me a favor, watch ESPN’s “Roll Tide/War Eagle”.  The level of stupidity will blow your mind.

Anyway, back to the racist fucking homework story that started me on this rant.  Think about it… the teachers who decided that math questions dealing with slavery and the beating of said slaves are appropriate for children under the age of ten are examples of the rarer, more educated redneck… these people have college degrees and are TEACHING CHILDREN!  And note that I said teachers, not teacher.  This wasn’t the result of one racist dumb ass teacher getting a burr under his/her saddle because a person of color looked at them wrong… no, MULTIPLE, “educated” people thought that this “cross-curricular activity” (the joyful euphemism a school district spokesperson used to describe the incident) would be a good lesson for THIRD GRADERS.

I know that people in this country get all bent out of shape about illegal immigrants from South of the border, but we should really be more concerned about the crayfish eating, moonshine guzzling, church going/God-fearing, racist, sister-fucking assholes here at home.  The Civil War and slavery ended almost 150 years ago… it’s time for people on the other side of the Mason-Dixon Line to GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY and stop raising future generations of racist animals!  Keep your personal bigotry to yourself and away from other people’s children!

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before word gets out that the high school’s mascot is the “Massa”, the Superintendent of Schools is a card-carrying KKK member, there are confederate flags in every classroom, and that the crossing guards are in black face and dressed as lawn jockeys.

And we often wonder why the rest of the world looks down on America… maybe they have a point.

If you’d like to read the story for yourself, it can be found here.

Question:

Who decided that we, the general public, are head-over-fucking-heels in love with Jane Lynch?!?

If you’re a right thinking person, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  If you’re scratching your head saying, “Who’s Jane Lynch?”, allow me to bring you up to speed.  You know and/or have seen Jane Lynch in various film and television roles including:

  • Paula (Manager of Smart Tech), The 40 Year-Old Virgin
  • Dr. Linda Freeman (Charlie & Alan’s therapist), Two & a Half Men
  • Sweeny, Role Models
  • Lucy Bobby, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
  • Sue Sylvester, Glee

Now, before I really go off the deep end here, I want to make a couple things clear…

  1. Jane Lynch was FUCKING HILARIOUS in The 40 Year-Old Virgin.
  2. She was also good in Role Models.
  3. Her recurring-role in Two & a Half Men is very funny and the casting director deserves a lot of credit for casting her in it.

Now that I got that out of the way… can someone tell me WHY she’s being rammed up our asses every time we turn around?  Yes, she’s got a starring role in Glee, the biggest money-grab since Hanna Montana.  Yet another shameless money-grab designed to move merchandise (backpacks, lunchboxes, t-shirts, posters, and notebooks), spawn spinoffs, be made into two or three films shown on the big screen (plus two or three more released straight-to-DVD), have Broadway shows based off it, etc.

I don’t know about all of you, but EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND I’m slapped in the face with the following commercial:

According to her IMDB page, Lynch has 150+ film and television credits to her name… one of which is still listed as a 2011 release, and three others that are either currently filming or in post-production for 2012 already.  Sure, you Glee fans and other lemmings are quick to pipe up, “Oh, she’s a workaholic… she’s one of the hardest workers in show business.”  No she isn’t.  That means she’s one of the biggest narcissists in show business and thinks her shit doesn’t stink.  Watch the Nook Tablet commercial above and tell me how many Jane Lynch references there are in that 30 second clip.  In fact, I’ll watch it too… we can count together:

  1. 0:00 mark:  “I’m Jane Lynch…”
  2. 0:07 mark:  Lynch’s image can be seen on the screen of the tablet.
  3. 0:10 mark:  The cover of Lynch’s memoir, Happy Accidents is seen on the tablet’s screen.
  4. 0:12 mark:  background actors/singers exclaim (in harmony), “Jane can write!”
  5. 0:14 mark:  Footage of Lynch acting is shown streaming on the device.
  6. 0:20 mark:  While playing “Angry Birds”, Jane says, “I score.”
  7. 0:23 mark:  As the commercial draws to a close, another shot of the device is shown with the Happy Accidents cover on the screen.

For those of you who lost count, or only made it through elementary school, middle school, and high school because your mom serviced the principal over his lunch hour, that was 7… SEVEN… S-E-V-E-N references to Jane Lynch in a 30 second commercial; that equals one new reference every 2.3 seconds.  Still think she’s a workaholic and media darling?  To me it sounds like she’s just in love with herself.  If Ms. Lynch’s publicist happens to be reading this, I’d like to make the following request… the next time Jane wants to bask in her own magnificence, do us all a favor… let her wash down ten quaaludes with a bottle of Wild Turkey and lock her in a room full of mirrors with 50 pounds of coca butter for a weekend.  Then she can have at herself until her little heart’s content…

PS – To all the corporate ad-wizards out there, you’ve sufficiently turned Jane Lynch out.  Unfortunately for you, we’re bored with her now.  Please proceed with parading your next semi-talented C-lister before us and, subsequently, turning them out and relegating them to cutting the ribbon at elementary school playground openings and being the Grand Marshall at various “Fest” and “Days” parades at one-horse towns nationwide.

Those who know me, know I am a literalist.  Those who know me really well know that I have some hypervigilance to me as well… in other words, I’ve got very sensitive senses and notice “everything”.

With that being said, while making chili a few weeks ago, I noticed the “Easy Open!” claim on the side of the can of roasted tomatoes shown above.

Forgive me but… how in the *%#@ is that “Easy Open”?!?  Where’s the pull tab on the top?!?  The twist-off lid?!?  The little part of the label that I peel off, thus causing the side of the can to burst?!?  When I hear “Easy Open”, I generally think of things like:

  • Automatic doors at the grocery store.
  • Soda cans.
  • The wallets of rich actors in the middle of a week-long coke binge.
  • The legs of a blonde hotel heiress.

If, in order to open the can and access your product, I use the the same tool that was patented in 1855, it is NOT “Easy Open”!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to have a word with Corporate America…

STOP FUCKING US AROUND!

Here’s a post that I did for another blog earlier this year that I just happened to go back and look at.  You never know, maybe this will get the rant-wheel rolling again…

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What’s the world coming to?!?

January 10, 2011

Seriously… didn’t a tragic and horrible event take place in Tucson, Arizona on Saturday?

Granted, I could have been hallucinating (I have been known to take peyote, wash it down with gallons of “Incredible Hulks” and listen to Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Crazy World of Arthur Brown… on repeat), but I seem to recall some gun-wielding-nut job crashing a town hall-style meeting in front of a shopping center. When all was said and done, 6 people (including a Federal judge and a 9 year old girl) lost their lives and 14 others were injured. Sound familiar? I assume that, unless you live on a glacier, you know what I’m talking about.

Now that I’ve set the scene for you, take a look below at what I saw when I went to my Internet homepage this evening:

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Ark-Eco-Building-Future/ss/events/sc/011011theark#photoViewer=/ydownload/20110110/photos_net_web_sc/1294694210

Now before you jump down my throat, I understand how things work. I know every story gets their five minutes of fame here, while thumbnails of previous stories are shown below. But a “Slinky-like ‘Ark'” house? Really?!? Since when did shitty science fiction become more newsworthy than what happened in Tucson? Prepare to be delighted with a few verses from the slide show that accompanied this link:

“The foil is recyclable, self-cleaning, lighter, more durable and more economic than glass.”

“…can be built to float on water, and can withstand rising tides and floods of biblical proportion.”

“…can also be constructed in earthquake zones.”

“The basement can store wind, thermal, and solar energy for up to six months, which can then turn into electricity.”

So let me get this straight… the structure is God-proof? For those unfamiliar with one of the world’s three major religions, God CREATED the world and then sent a flood to “shake the Etch-a-Sketch”. Do you really think your buoyant, self-cleaning habitrail can compete with that? Ever seen Star Wars? The Death Star was destroyed by Luke piloting an X-wing with his targeting computer TURNED OFF! Do me a favor, don’t tempt fate that way; I’d like to get married and start a family some day.

Why is this news?!? Is there even such a thing as “self-cleaning foil”? If it’s anything like “self-cleaning” ovens, I’ll pass. After all, I’ve seen self-cleaning ovens defeated by baked on spills from tater tot hotdish. I’ll consider allowing you to make an announcement when you’ve got a working prototype but until then, back to the drawing board.

It’s a shame we can’t give events like what happened this past Saturday the time and respect they deserve. The engraving isn’t even finished on the tombstones and we’ve already moved on to solving over-population by modeling shelters after toys created during World War II. Come on folks, it *is* too soon for “news” like this…

On a more positive note… it’s nice to see Malcolm-Jamal Warner trending. I’m a huge Cosby Show fan.

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I saw the following headline from Reuters and decided I need to call my broker:

“Erection-boosting condom gets EU backing.”

I knew I loved Europe.  Futura Medical, a British medical company, just got their “erection-enhancing” jimmy hat recommended for approval.

In another month, uncut blokes in 29 European territories will be all the more willing to wrap their wedding vegetables.  The CSD500 (across the pond they name their rubbers like their sports cars) promises bigger and stronger erections via increased blood flow and dilated arteries thanks to a special gel in the tip.  “Whiskey Dick” is a thing of the past!

Expecting a revival of those catchy Trojan commercials from a few years ago?  Nay… the CSD500 will be a member of the Durex family, which is just fine because this blogger happens to be a Durex kind of guy.

I’m guessing the CSD500 will be next in a long line of things Europe has that the US doesn’t… sure we’ve got baseball and apple pie, but Europe has the Autobahn, beer at McDonald’s, Gemma Atkinson, and now a condom that gives you teak instead of balsa wood… I’m crossing my fingers though.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an E*Trade account to open…

Read the Story Here

Is it possible for overalls to be “saggy”?!?

GREAT use of taxpayer resources there Arkan-saaaaaaaaaaw.  According to the president of the state education association, “We feel the bill can improve the learning environment in schools”… really?!?  ‘Britches’ that ride low are going to improve the classroom environment in your schools?  Look, I’ve seen the statistics, I don’t think your education system breeds many physicists, geneticists, Rhodes Scholars, or Poet Laureates.

Oh, and another thing… I noticed you also added specific language about clothes that expose the “breast of a female.”  Come on now… how many St. Pauli Girls are born in and/or attend school in Arkansas? Answer truthfully. Go ahead and take off your shoes if that will help you count them. I hate to judge, but I have a hunch that more Arkansas females become long-haul truckers than runway models. And that’s fine, but be honest with yourselves and let’s call a spade, a spade.

Maybe instead of waging war on saggy pants, you should focus on deterring your students from getting their sister drunk on prom night and encourage them to READ AN F’ING BOOK!

More Photo Foolishness:

Posted: March 22, 2011 by JS in Rant
Tags: , , ,

COME ON NOW DAMN IT!!!

44% more my ass!  I can see the level each bottle is filled to you filthy bastards.  You’re dicking me out of 5 loads, maybe 10!

Come on Corporate America, can you at least dim the lights before you fuck me?  I’m a little self-conscious, especially about taking it in the wallet in public. And really, must we do this every time I go to the store?!?  Please, I have a headache…

This goes well beyond “ballsy”… this is just downright arrogant.  In fact if you didn’t already have them in your gardens, your Great Rooms, or in the middle of your fountains I would say there should be statues erected to honor your arrogance.

Please, if you’re going to short us 15% – 20%, can you please not make the bottles SEE-THROUGH?

By now we’re all aware of the collision course Charlie Sheen is on with total insanity.  However, Chuck isn’t the only celebrity making news.

I’d like to direct your attention to Richard Hatch… you know, from the first season of Survivor?”  He’s the guy that pranced around in the nude and often referred to himself as something along the lines of the “naked fat guy”.  Anyway, he turned himself in to authorities in Rhode Island so he can begin his prison sentence, 9 months, for unpaid taxes.

As you might have expected, this isn’t Dick’s first run-in with the law, nor is it his first tax-related issue.  He has already spent three years in prison for tax evasion.  That’s right folks… THREE YEARS… TAX EVASION.  With that being said, here’s what our pal Dick had to say about his current misunderstanding with Uncle Sam, “I hope I am released soon.  But this system is not effective in dealing with the truth.”

WHAT?!?  Are you high?!?

You’ve already spent three years in the can for tax evasion.  Are you saying you’re wrongfully accused?  Yes, Dick… the powers that be have nothing better to do than mess with you, you narcissistic prick.  That whole wrongfully accused shit is a ridiculous fantasy perpetuated by the puppetteers in Hollywood to separate you from your $8.50.  If you get sentenced, it’s because you’re guilty, PERIOD.

Need I remind you that after you were released from the clink in ’09 you were supposed to file your ’00 and ’01 taxes.  Taxes from over 10 YEARS AGO! Could you explain to me how you’re just a victim of circumstance and filing YOUR taxes from a decade ago isn’t your fault???  And riddle me this, why in the fuck do you feel you should be “released early”?  Repeat offenders go back to jail… ALWAYS.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a D-list celeb, a stagecoach robber, or a retread mom who’s selling her honey-pot to buy more ‘Tussin and Swiss Cake Rolls.  The ‘Man’ always wins.

It would look way better if you just came clean, Dick.  If you had two nickels to rub together to hire a publicist, they’d advise you to do the same thing; or at least weave a more believable yarn.  So what if you pissed away your Survivor winnings on Mars bars and Swedish erotica videos?  Maybe you spent it on high-colonics gluten-free edible underwear, I don’t know!  We’re not going to judge, just please do us all a favor and stop bullshitting everyone.  If you’re broke because you went on a sex tour while slamming heroin, say so!

Here’s the link to the story if you’d like to read it for yourself.  [Story]