Archive for the ‘Its my opinion, I can have it if I like’ Category

 

 

So here it goes, lets see how motivated we are in updating this.. Since we last posted a lot has happened… Lindsay Lohan continues to baffle science, AA, and the judicial system in somehow making millions of dollars, and staying out of prison;The first man on the moon has died, and a book about a sexually abusive rich dude is somehow wetting more vagina’s then an entire generations worth of action stars combined.  What does any of this mean??
NOTHING.

 

However, we are dedicated to the art of writing about nonsense, and informing the masses of the things that piss us off.. so sit back and enjoy.

-AB

Went and saw Ridley Scott’s Prometheus over the weekend, and for anyone who hasn’t spent the 8 bucks(or whatever a movie ticket costs in your area) it is well worth the coin. Intense, thrilling and horrifying all while leaving you in awe of a very thick and compelling tale.. it was definitely something to behold.  That being said,  the two douche buckets that sat DIRECTLY behind me and had a fucking seizure during the first 15 minutes of the movie can kiss my ass. Seriously folks, when you go to a movie, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Get to the theater with enough time to settle in, shut off your phones, finish talking about whatever was interesting in your lives before you sat next to me, open your skittles and shut your damn mouth when the lights go dark. Not that tough.  I hope you went home and choked on your candy or when you die from being grossly obese, they find out it was cuz you extra buttered your popcorn 1 too many times.

Anyways, go see it.

Here’s the trailer if your still not convinced.

-AB

DICK.

While drinking my morning coffee and checking out Yahoo News, I stumbled upon this headline and proceeded to go APE SHIT:

“John Edwards Juror Flirts With Him.”

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to comment on a few things…

  1. John Edwards, for those of you who are unaware,  is a pretentious narcissistic asshole.  Period.  Let’s review his list of accomplishments:
    1. US Senator from North Carolina (1998 – 2004).
    2. Vice Presidential nominee (2004).
    3. US Presidential candidate (2004 & 2008).
    4. Had an affair with a campaign worker WHILE HIS WIFE BATTLED STAGE IV BREAST CANCER.
      1. Not only that, but he continued the affair after copping to it despite that his wife was terminally ill.
    5. Fathered a child, with the above-mentioned skank.
      1. In typical political fashion, he denied being the child’s father for nearly FOUR YEARS despite admitting to the affair two years earlier.
      2. Edwards had a member of his campaign team claim paternity of the child and tried to convince him to find a doctor to falsify paternity test results.  In addition, Edwards asked the poor patsy to steal one of the child’s diapers so he could have his own DNA testing done.
      3. The cherry on this fucked-up sundae?  There are also reports that Edwards and the skank made a sex tape.  Did I mention this all occurred while his wife Elizabeth was terminally ill with stage IV breast cancer?
    6. Not comfortable outside of the limelight, Edwards is currently on trial and facing SIX FELONY CHARGES: four counts of collecting illegal campaign funds (allegedly to cover up his affair), one count for conspiracy, and one of making false statements.
      1. This is where Johnny’s narcissism is in full bloom.  While in the courtroom , he has been observed OPENLY FLIRTING WITH ONE OF THE JURORS!  Now, granted, she’s “only” an alternate juror… but, she’s present in the courtroom to stay hip to all of the deliberations and they’re flirting!  The jezebel in question is described as “…an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.”  Edwards, never one to turn away vagina of loose morals or questionable judgment, openly reciprocates her smiles and blushes when she giggles in return in full view of God and everyone.
      2. It seems that not even 30 years in prison and a fine of $1.5 million is going to prevent Big Johnny from trying to dip his wick.  I wonder, though, if he’ll blush as eagerly when he’s in the joint and the wanting glances come from Nasty Nate in the cafeteria or Big Steve in the shower room.
  2. This trial is an absolute circus and a waste of time (and taxpayer dollars).
    1. “The Honorable” Judge Catherine Eagles is a disgrace to the bench and needs to be relieved of her duties immediately.
      1. Not only is she allowing Edwards and this juror to play patty-cake in front of a courtroom full of people, but she is allowing the four alternate jurors to be a distraction in general.  On Thursday, all four showed up in court in matching clothes, bright yellow shirts, while snickering aloud as Eagles addressed the court.
    2. Speaking of the alternate jurors, how in the hell did any of them make it through the selection process?!?  Don’t you need to be at least 18 to be on the jury?  These four jack-offs are acting 13 at best!  To be fair though, it is almost summer break, maybe they’re just anxious…
  3. Lastly, I’ve got a nickel’s-worth of free advice for the this saucy, jet-black minx (who will be referred to as “Juror # Whore” for the duration of this post).
    1. Just think for a moment if things do work out… say you’re able to sneak in a passionate encounter with the defendant before he’s put away.  It will all be for nothing.  I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but Big Johnny violated federal law; and people in federal custody aren’t allowed conjugal visits, meaning he’ll never get to finish on your back.  But then, who am I kidding?  John Edwards has a kid out of wedlock, he doesn’t back down from a lie, and he certainly doesn’t pull out…
    2. Sweetie, didn’t your momma teach you better than this?  You don’t go after a washed-up former Senator that’s at risk of going up the river for the rest of his erection-getting life. You get a job on Capitol Hill clerking for a current Senator or Congressman willing to jeopardize their family and political career for a series eager blow jobs and enthusiastic-yet-hurried intercourse in campaign offices or dicey motels on the outskirts of town.  From there, the sky’s the limit baby… you AIM HIGH girl!  Solve those daddy issues!

In closing, I’d like to leave you with some food for thought:

  1. If things happened a bit differently, John Edwards would be running this country right now.
  2. If you find yourself facing some legal troubles and you find yourself in Judge Eagles’ courtroom, fear not, I’m sure she’ll preside over your case honestly and fairly.
  3. Once this case has unfolded, there is sure to be an aptly-named porno chronicling this trial.

You have to be shitting me.. According to various news outlets, Ottawa’s Museum of Science and Technology  is hosting a Sex Exhibit initially geared toward children as young as 12….. How bad could a public exhibit paid for by tax dollars really be?? Well, lets see…

According to Fox News, a patron would find the following exhibits:

There is the “Climax Room”, complete with displays of “aroused genitals”

Videos describing masturbation “techniques”

Condom demonstrations on anatomically correct dildos

Videos describing the benefits of having “Multiple Partners, Fuck buddies, and anal”.

Who needs Chucky Cheese when you have this wonderland of sexual deviancy!

So there you have it. Our culture is scared to death of letting a child ride his bike without a bicycle helmet and knee pads, but hey! Why not teach them the virtues of banging 6 other people and proper lube techniques when deciding to pound your partners back door.

-AB

More info- CBC News

Go figure this woman is from ‘Jersey… 44-year-old Patricia Krentcil found herself in a wee bit of trouble this week, when her 5-year-old mentioned to her teacher that she “went tanning with Mommy”…

Now, from the sound of it, this sounds like another classic case of media sensationalism and an over zealous teacher taking the words of a pre-schooler a touch too seriously.

But..

.. then you see a picture of “Mommy’s” face.  I am pretty sure the couch in my living room has less wear and tear, and a more natural finish to it, than Ms. Krentcil’s mug. Nobody in child services is going to believe this woman isn’t crazy enough to think her pale princess is  in desperate need of some color in that pasty skin of hers…

Read the whole story here-MSNBC 

 

Dude bangs his buddy’s girl.. the story gets better – REDDIT

Bill Clinton has awkward timing – Uproxx

People who hate where they work– TheChive

Bugatti Veyron makes your car look fuckin’ stupid – AutoBlog

Sweet Brown gets Auto-Tuned – YouTube

The Kardashians are 40 million richer/kill me – WWTDD

I understand why Zucherberg wanted it so damn bad – girlsoninstagram

Apple made a couple bucks last quarter – Engadget

Teens getting drunk off hand sanitizer – YAHOO

Rosie O’Donnell is a stupid cunt – IDLYITW

Dude has the Field of Dreams tattooed on his back – WithLeather

Earlier today, the news everywhere is reporting that Joran Van Der Sloot, the guy who not only (Allegedly) killed Natalie Halloway, and then dispatched some young lady down in Brazil, is now going to be bringing his evil offspring into this world.  Let us all thank the young lady that made this amazing decision. I am sure she thought this over very well…This leads me to my next thought…

Seriously ladies…

What the fuck is the matter with you??  Is the “Bad Boy” that irresistible to you? What is it that makes you decide having sex with convicted criminals that exciting?  Don’t give me the whole, “oh that chick must be crazy” speech.  That was null and void the first time some dumb broad sent fan mail to a serial killer.  Notorious Serial Killer Ted Bundy not only received fan mail while on trial, he also fathered a child with a woman he married while in jail…

I will help you with a few things… If the man you are dating falls under one of the following categories, you should choose a different adventure… cuz the one you are currently pursuing is filled with stupidity that will only lead you to sadness, destruction, and a ruined life.  Here you go:

1. Is he in jail? Has he ever spent more than 30 days in jail?

2. Has he been unemployed for the majority of the time you have been together?  Drug dealers, photographers, musicians and artists are not jobs.

3. Does he regularly use a drug not called marijuana? Does he purchase his pot with your money?

4. Has he ever beaten a woman? Has he ever beaten anyone over something other than protecting a woman or child?

5. Has he ever(even allegedly) killed, or raped someone?

6. Is his child to mother ratio more than 3:2?

If your answer to any of these is yes, and you continue to desire said douchebag… then you are what is wrong with this country. Please, continue to find men who murder, rape and steal irresistible and sexy.  If being lonely, poor and or dead is a fantasy to you… then god bless.

Isn’t he just dreamy…

 

Not much to say on this one. Dick Clark went to the Hospital yesterday for what was supposed to be a routine checkup and never left.  He suffered a Heart Attack this morning and was pronounced dead shortly after. What is crazy to me is that he had the coconuts to keep his schtick going even after a stroke robbed him of his voice and most of his motor functions.

That beings said, I do not wish to remember Mr.Clark as the man who painfully brought in the new year the last couple of years.. So enjoy these pictures of Dick Clark’s Flintstone house! Located on 23 lush acres in the heart of Malibu.  What kind of person builds a house modeled after a 1960’s cartoon on 23 acres of prime ocean front real estate.

A fucking awesome person.. that’s who. And THAT is the Dick Clark I will remember.

 

That’s it… I’m done…

I have written about my Dirty ex-girlfriend on here a few times, and perhaps I may have been a bit harsh at times… but anyone that watched last nights “Voice” can agree to this…..

When your fish nets are stretched to the breaking point, and your buttons start shooting off your top and injuring audience members.. its time to lay off the pizza and get back in the gym. It’s unfathomable how far off the deep end she has gone..  Let’s be real, we have all found ourselves in that “Fat” phase…but last time I checked most of us don’t posses the recourses and cash necessary to stay in shape for years on end.

So this is the end..  I hung on in hope that she would drop the pounds and come back to reality.. but that hope is gone.  Unless she kills someone, or grows a third tit on her forehead, I can’t see a reason to do another Christina post.

**Obviously the picture above is not Christina Aguilera. This is Sara Jean Underwood..  Your eyes should thank me.

Ok.. so I lied.  But a dusty old Mercedes just crossed the block for the obscene amount just south of $5,000,000 dollars.  That’s a lot of fucking zeros. Not saying the rare piece of automotive machinery wasnt worth it, but there are a lot of things a man can do with that kind of coin. In fact, my girlfriend has shared on more than one occasion that she would be scared if the day ever came where I would have mass amounts of disposable income.  I don’t think I am too far off to suggest I would crowd my house with random trinkets, purchase odd and ridiculous items on a mere whim, install various trap doors and hidden rooms in my home and quite possibly involve myself in the black market trading of antiquities and exotic animals.

That being said, the car above lacks many of the conveniences that I simply cannot live without at 29 years of age.  Namely bluetooth, Ipod connectivity and seat warmers.  A fucking Hyundai Elantra has these items, and that car is an ungodly piece of shit.

Here is the vehicle in question:

 Owning a vehicle such as this would honestly serve two purposes. One, to let everyone on my block know that I am an insufferable douchebag, willing to spend more on a single car than some countries produce any given year. Second, the only justifiable reason to own this car would be to pretend you are a British Secret Agent.  Were talking Armani suit wearing, piece carrying, 3 different alias’ with passports to various European countries… the works.