Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

DICK.

While drinking my morning coffee and checking out Yahoo News, I stumbled upon this headline and proceeded to go APE SHIT:

“John Edwards Juror Flirts With Him.”

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to comment on a few things…

  1. John Edwards, for those of you who are unaware,  is a pretentious narcissistic asshole.  Period.  Let’s review his list of accomplishments:
    1. US Senator from North Carolina (1998 – 2004).
    2. Vice Presidential nominee (2004).
    3. US Presidential candidate (2004 & 2008).
    4. Had an affair with a campaign worker WHILE HIS WIFE BATTLED STAGE IV BREAST CANCER.
      1. Not only that, but he continued the affair after copping to it despite that his wife was terminally ill.
    5. Fathered a child, with the above-mentioned skank.
      1. In typical political fashion, he denied being the child’s father for nearly FOUR YEARS despite admitting to the affair two years earlier.
      2. Edwards had a member of his campaign team claim paternity of the child and tried to convince him to find a doctor to falsify paternity test results.  In addition, Edwards asked the poor patsy to steal one of the child’s diapers so he could have his own DNA testing done.
      3. The cherry on this fucked-up sundae?  There are also reports that Edwards and the skank made a sex tape.  Did I mention this all occurred while his wife Elizabeth was terminally ill with stage IV breast cancer?
    6. Not comfortable outside of the limelight, Edwards is currently on trial and facing SIX FELONY CHARGES: four counts of collecting illegal campaign funds (allegedly to cover up his affair), one count for conspiracy, and one of making false statements.
      1. This is where Johnny’s narcissism is in full bloom.  While in the courtroom , he has been observed OPENLY FLIRTING WITH ONE OF THE JURORS!  Now, granted, she’s “only” an alternate juror… but, she’s present in the courtroom to stay hip to all of the deliberations and they’re flirting!  The jezebel in question is described as “…an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.”  Edwards, never one to turn away vagina of loose morals or questionable judgment, openly reciprocates her smiles and blushes when she giggles in return in full view of God and everyone.
      2. It seems that not even 30 years in prison and a fine of $1.5 million is going to prevent Big Johnny from trying to dip his wick.  I wonder, though, if he’ll blush as eagerly when he’s in the joint and the wanting glances come from Nasty Nate in the cafeteria or Big Steve in the shower room.
  2. This trial is an absolute circus and a waste of time (and taxpayer dollars).
    1. “The Honorable” Judge Catherine Eagles is a disgrace to the bench and needs to be relieved of her duties immediately.
      1. Not only is she allowing Edwards and this juror to play patty-cake in front of a courtroom full of people, but she is allowing the four alternate jurors to be a distraction in general.  On Thursday, all four showed up in court in matching clothes, bright yellow shirts, while snickering aloud as Eagles addressed the court.
    2. Speaking of the alternate jurors, how in the hell did any of them make it through the selection process?!?  Don’t you need to be at least 18 to be on the jury?  These four jack-offs are acting 13 at best!  To be fair though, it is almost summer break, maybe they’re just anxious…
  3. Lastly, I’ve got a nickel’s-worth of free advice for the this saucy, jet-black minx (who will be referred to as “Juror # Whore” for the duration of this post).
    1. Just think for a moment if things do work out… say you’re able to sneak in a passionate encounter with the defendant before he’s put away.  It will all be for nothing.  I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but Big Johnny violated federal law; and people in federal custody aren’t allowed conjugal visits, meaning he’ll never get to finish on your back.  But then, who am I kidding?  John Edwards has a kid out of wedlock, he doesn’t back down from a lie, and he certainly doesn’t pull out…
    2. Sweetie, didn’t your momma teach you better than this?  You don’t go after a washed-up former Senator that’s at risk of going up the river for the rest of his erection-getting life. You get a job on Capitol Hill clerking for a current Senator or Congressman willing to jeopardize their family and political career for a series eager blow jobs and enthusiastic-yet-hurried intercourse in campaign offices or dicey motels on the outskirts of town.  From there, the sky’s the limit baby… you AIM HIGH girl!  Solve those daddy issues!

In closing, I’d like to leave you with some food for thought:

  1. If things happened a bit differently, John Edwards would be running this country right now.
  2. If you find yourself facing some legal troubles and you find yourself in Judge Eagles’ courtroom, fear not, I’m sure she’ll preside over your case honestly and fairly.
  3. Once this case has unfolded, there is sure to be an aptly-named porno chronicling this trial.

Dude bangs his buddy’s girl.. the story gets better – REDDIT

Bill Clinton has awkward timing – Uproxx

People who hate where they work– TheChive

Bugatti Veyron makes your car look fuckin’ stupid – AutoBlog

Sweet Brown gets Auto-Tuned – YouTube

The Kardashians are 40 million richer/kill me – WWTDD

I understand why Zucherberg wanted it so damn bad – girlsoninstagram

Apple made a couple bucks last quarter – Engadget

Teens getting drunk off hand sanitizer – YAHOO

Rosie O’Donnell is a stupid cunt – IDLYITW

Dude has the Field of Dreams tattooed on his back – WithLeather

Earlier today, the news everywhere is reporting that Joran Van Der Sloot, the guy who not only (Allegedly) killed Natalie Halloway, and then dispatched some young lady down in Brazil, is now going to be bringing his evil offspring into this world.  Let us all thank the young lady that made this amazing decision. I am sure she thought this over very well…This leads me to my next thought…

Seriously ladies…

What the fuck is the matter with you??  Is the “Bad Boy” that irresistible to you? What is it that makes you decide having sex with convicted criminals that exciting?  Don’t give me the whole, “oh that chick must be crazy” speech.  That was null and void the first time some dumb broad sent fan mail to a serial killer.  Notorious Serial Killer Ted Bundy not only received fan mail while on trial, he also fathered a child with a woman he married while in jail…

I will help you with a few things… If the man you are dating falls under one of the following categories, you should choose a different adventure… cuz the one you are currently pursuing is filled with stupidity that will only lead you to sadness, destruction, and a ruined life.  Here you go:

1. Is he in jail? Has he ever spent more than 30 days in jail?

2. Has he been unemployed for the majority of the time you have been together?  Drug dealers, photographers, musicians and artists are not jobs.

3. Does he regularly use a drug not called marijuana? Does he purchase his pot with your money?

4. Has he ever beaten a woman? Has he ever beaten anyone over something other than protecting a woman or child?

5. Has he ever(even allegedly) killed, or raped someone?

6. Is his child to mother ratio more than 3:2?

If your answer to any of these is yes, and you continue to desire said douchebag… then you are what is wrong with this country. Please, continue to find men who murder, rape and steal irresistible and sexy.  If being lonely, poor and or dead is a fantasy to you… then god bless.

Isn’t he just dreamy…

***This is British hottie Rosie Jones, not Casey Anthony obv.

This is less about Casey “Fucking” Anthony, and more of a plea to the American Public.  Stop.  Stop caring about this cold-hearted bitch. Stop.  Enough about some dipshit supposedly hacking her computer. Stop.  No more TMZ, People Magazine, Nancy Grace and all the rest who find it necessary to publicize a person who has and will continue to try to profit from her innocent daughters death.  She is the scum of the earth, the gum under my shoe, the shit crusted on my dogs ass, and the lowest of the low.

Can we please all agree…people like this should not be romanticized.  Like the dumb bitches who wrote Ted Bundy love letters when he was on trial for murdering at least 30 young women.. This shit has to stop.  Our opinions matter when someone hurts or endangers a child.  People SHOULD care when some horrible piece of shit decides the life of another person is less important than their own.  But when the dust settles, the trial is over, and life resumes….let’s not glorify them.  Let’s isolate that poor bastard and get them off our TV’s.   Knowing what some serial rapist ate for breakfast this morning, or watching Casey Anthony on YouTube will not save some kid from getting beaten nor does it enrich the livesof anyone. If you feel your life is better after sending a murderer fan mail, then you need to get your head checked.

So please.. next time you decide to pick up that magazine or read some Yahoo article about the life of a douchebag.  Stop.

Oh…Here’s another look at Rosie.. In case you were looking 🙂

You’re welcome -AB

This morning I was blessed with a lovely article from the Folks at Readers Digest. They were ever so nice to write this incredibly detailed expose on tipping etiquette.   They included 5 simple tips to better assist a patron in how and when they tip….and….

Its absolute Bullshit.

Yep.

Please, let me explain.

Before I dive into this abomination, I will let you know that I have worked in the restaurant business,  as well as a pizza delivery guy.  I know and understand how much certain people rely on tips.  I have driven miles and miles in order to deliver a simple cheese pizza, only to be stiffed on the tip. Most of the times that this happened, it had little to do with my job performance and more to do with the fact that I just delivered to an absolute douchebag.  If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to order pizza.  The next time you do, rest assured I will mistreat your pie in a way you will not be happy with.

That being said, the advice given in these “When/how to tip” articles is going to make me kill someone.

Here’s the deal folks: If I purchase a $5 coffee… you do NOT deserve a tip.  You have prepared a product for me that I have purchased.  End of story.  You did the bare minimum required at your job.  You don’t deserve a reward.  You did not deliver it to my work place, you did not come back to my table 3 times to offer me a refill or provide me with a napkin, you simply took my order, and gave me the item I requested.  I am not going to give you an additional $2 because your employer feels “tips” should make up for the shity hourly wage that you AGREED to upon your hire.

If you fuck up my meal, bring it to me cold, don’t check back for refills or simply act abrasive or rude…you will not be getting a tip, or you will get a very small one. Spare me the “it’s not my fault” or “we share the tips, and you’re hurting everyone” by not tipping routine. In my line of work, if the detail dept doesn’t buff that scratch I promised, or my finance manager tries to charge you a higher rate than I quoted, or the car doesn’t have the features I was told it would have… guess what… I AM the one who takes the blame…not the rest of the folks at my dealership.  Same goes for you.  If you want a good tip, here are steps to follow: If its taking a bit longer, check in on me and let me know.  Dont keep me waiting. If the food is cold, warm it up.  If you’re having a bad day, go the fuck home and have someone else help me.  See!? Pretty damn easy.  And if you really fuck things up, apologize, then comp me.  I will tip you graciously, and will appreciate that you are human and mistakes happen.

Lastly, this post makes this outrageous claim about drink orders: “Twenty percent is way too much – it’s just a drink! The standard in most bars is $1 for each beverage or 10 percent, which generally adds up to $1”.  Wait..  20% is TOO MUCH?  But $1 a drink is standard??  Am I not understanding something??  Where exactly are we dining that the drinks are ten bucks a piece????  By that 10% rule, you are getting a .50 cent tip on my beer…at the very most.  Seems you folks at Readers Digest are a bit out of touch.

The fact is, NOBODY DESERVES ANYTHING as far as a TIP goes. It’s a Tip, not your wage.  You Earn your tip.  I am not going to be bullied to reward mediocrity.  You are not entitled anything, and that is perhaps the root of a lot of problems in this country.  I tend to tip Extremely well when provided exceptional service, and I tip very reasonably when given the service I expect.  But I will not fill your wallet with my hard-earned money simply because you feel you deserve it. I am not tipped at my job and I spend hours and hours trying to make a single customer happy.

Fuck you, go to hell and get a new job you useless piece of shit.

 

 

This link has been posted just about everywhere, here is the clip if you havent seen it yet.

I have many thoughts on this, namely the fat prick who idolizes Ron Artest and Dennis Rodman.  The fact he snickers and giggles to himself after he unleashes one of his pudgy cheap shots is incredible. Like he did something special. I am sure a lifetime of obesity coated failure and rejection will ultimately be the last laugh.

Here is my other question… Where are the fucking parents??? If that fat fuck ever put his pimply arm onto one of my kids like this, he would be tasting Reebok in his mouth till next season.

 

The last few days have seen Twitter, tech blogs and now every reporting news outlet, reporting on Verizon Wireless and the new $2 convenience charge for using a Credit Card to pay your damn bill.  2 Bucks. For some, this will be of little consequence as they pay by good ol’ written/mailed check, and others will just simply switch payment methods in order to circumvent the FEE.  But to many, who rely of plastic to get them through this payday, this is another way for Corporate America to stick it to the man.

Fees have become corporate america’s lifeline, and as consumers its time we all wisen up and take notice. Do you ever look over your bills and itemize the amount of bullshit FEES you are charged each month?? It’s ridiculous!  I can understand in some lines of work the purpose of a FEE.  I used to work for a retail business that charged a $9 fee for the service we did.  This fee wasnt sugar-coated, it was what it was…9 bucks tacked on at the end to ensure an area of consistent profit to help operate the business.  We were a very small company, and the revenue was in constant flux, so to rely on this $9 helped keep us in business.  The thing is, we didn’t give it a bullshit name, or try to hide it, nor were we passing on a cost of running the business to our customer.

That being said, more and more companies are using fees to cover up for losses elsewhere and stick it to the customer in a way they can’t get around. This $2 fee is very easy to breakdown. Credit Card companies are being pressured by our Gov’t to be more “Consumer Friendly”.  They have been hammered the last few years for unfair practices and for the high interest rates they charge as well as the “FEES” consumers occur from using plastic. The Credit Card Companies see this and watch profits fall as they are now being more heavily regulated and cannot hammer every poor bastard out there with nonsense FEES and inflated interest rates.. so they simply pass this cost onto the large corporations that use their services.  In this case Verizon Wireless and the 107 million active subscribers they have.  Verizon looks at this and says, I don’t want to get stuck paying the 45 cents in credit card fees that this customer is costing me, even though they already pay to be a subscriber and I am making a hefty profit on them as it sits, so I will pass along a $2 fee.  This helps us in a few ways. For those with the means, they will simply switch to an alternate form of payment, and I will get my money at a lower fee( Verizon will still pay a fee for Check Processing). The other way this helps me (Verizon) is any poor sucker that can’t make these arrangements will have to take that $2 in the ass every month. To you and I 2 bucks isn’t going to kill anyone.. but lets consider the possible windfall for Verizon on this.. If 60% of all Verizon users get stuck paying that fee, in one months time Verizon will have increased revenue in the amount of $128 million dollars…in 1 month.  If Verizon is in fact paying out over 100 million dollars a month for Card Processing Services(They are not) then let me be the first to say they are fools to be paying that high of a rate. But that is not the case, this is for PROFIT, and they are using this FEE to get it rather than increase prices across the board.

It’s not just Verizon..its every major corporation.  This country is in shambles because of shit like this.  Our politicians think new legislation to make the large corporations play more fair and look out for the little guy will fix this country, and that is fucking stupid.  When revenue is reduced, they simply pass the costs onto the little guy.  They will continue to find a way to reach profit goals and fill their greedy pockets with more money than anyone of us will ever see.

Fuck em.

More info- MSN Money EngadgetMobile

Question:

Who decided that we, the general public, are head-over-fucking-heels in love with Jane Lynch?!?

If you’re a right thinking person, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  If you’re scratching your head saying, “Who’s Jane Lynch?”, allow me to bring you up to speed.  You know and/or have seen Jane Lynch in various film and television roles including:

  • Paula (Manager of Smart Tech), The 40 Year-Old Virgin
  • Dr. Linda Freeman (Charlie & Alan’s therapist), Two & a Half Men
  • Sweeny, Role Models
  • Lucy Bobby, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
  • Sue Sylvester, Glee

Now, before I really go off the deep end here, I want to make a couple things clear…

  1. Jane Lynch was FUCKING HILARIOUS in The 40 Year-Old Virgin.
  2. She was also good in Role Models.
  3. Her recurring-role in Two & a Half Men is very funny and the casting director deserves a lot of credit for casting her in it.

Now that I got that out of the way… can someone tell me WHY she’s being rammed up our asses every time we turn around?  Yes, she’s got a starring role in Glee, the biggest money-grab since Hanna Montana.  Yet another shameless money-grab designed to move merchandise (backpacks, lunchboxes, t-shirts, posters, and notebooks), spawn spinoffs, be made into two or three films shown on the big screen (plus two or three more released straight-to-DVD), have Broadway shows based off it, etc.

I don’t know about all of you, but EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND I’m slapped in the face with the following commercial:

According to her IMDB page, Lynch has 150+ film and television credits to her name… one of which is still listed as a 2011 release, and three others that are either currently filming or in post-production for 2012 already.  Sure, you Glee fans and other lemmings are quick to pipe up, “Oh, she’s a workaholic… she’s one of the hardest workers in show business.”  No she isn’t.  That means she’s one of the biggest narcissists in show business and thinks her shit doesn’t stink.  Watch the Nook Tablet commercial above and tell me how many Jane Lynch references there are in that 30 second clip.  In fact, I’ll watch it too… we can count together:

  1. 0:00 mark:  “I’m Jane Lynch…”
  2. 0:07 mark:  Lynch’s image can be seen on the screen of the tablet.
  3. 0:10 mark:  The cover of Lynch’s memoir, Happy Accidents is seen on the tablet’s screen.
  4. 0:12 mark:  background actors/singers exclaim (in harmony), “Jane can write!”
  5. 0:14 mark:  Footage of Lynch acting is shown streaming on the device.
  6. 0:20 mark:  While playing “Angry Birds”, Jane says, “I score.”
  7. 0:23 mark:  As the commercial draws to a close, another shot of the device is shown with the Happy Accidents cover on the screen.

For those of you who lost count, or only made it through elementary school, middle school, and high school because your mom serviced the principal over his lunch hour, that was 7… SEVEN… S-E-V-E-N references to Jane Lynch in a 30 second commercial; that equals one new reference every 2.3 seconds.  Still think she’s a workaholic and media darling?  To me it sounds like she’s just in love with herself.  If Ms. Lynch’s publicist happens to be reading this, I’d like to make the following request… the next time Jane wants to bask in her own magnificence, do us all a favor… let her wash down ten quaaludes with a bottle of Wild Turkey and lock her in a room full of mirrors with 50 pounds of coca butter for a weekend.  Then she can have at herself until her little heart’s content…

PS – To all the corporate ad-wizards out there, you’ve sufficiently turned Jane Lynch out.  Unfortunately for you, we’re bored with her now.  Please proceed with parading your next semi-talented C-lister before us and, subsequently, turning them out and relegating them to cutting the ribbon at elementary school playground openings and being the Grand Marshall at various “Fest” and “Days” parades at one-horse towns nationwide.

Just 5 short years ago, RIM had it all. Palm had started to lose its luster in the growing Smartphone game, and it seemed like anyone important was holding a Blackberry. This wonderous device could do everything!  It was a handheld personal assistant, capable of managing your schedule, maintaining your emails, browsing the internet, and much more.  When RIM announced the Blackberry Pearl in the Summer of 2006 it set a new standard.  What was known as a device held by corporate honchos, CEO’s and world leaders, was now something that the average consumer could pick up and use for day to day tasks.  The Pearl sported a revamped OS and, “Gasp” a Camera w/flash! It was exciting times for RIM as they all but owned the Smartphone game, accounting for nearly 80% of worldwide data devices being sold.  Blackberry was the device to be had, and many celebrities were photographed using the popular device.

But that was then..this is now.  Today Blackberry devices are out of favor and being passed over by nearly EVERYONE purchasing a smartphone.  Why?  RIM failed to realize the very thing that made them popular in the first place, innovation, was a continuous never-ending process and instead sat back and watched the rest of the field catch up and beat them at a game they owned the rights to.  You want a Browser, Android, Apple, hell even PALM had one that was faster and more useful. You want Apps?  RIM created the market for Apps on a device, years before anyone else, but Android and Apple have them beat, 200,000-1 billion times more.  You want creative designs and captivating marketing..yep, Google and Apple kick Blackberry’s sweet ass.  RIM simply fucked the dog on this one, and unfortunately no rabbit in the hat is going to bring it back. RIM has become PALM.  They just don’t know it yet. Within the next two years I will prophesize that RIM will cease to exist in hardware form. The mighty Canadian company that once held over 30 million global subscribers will inevitably become an App.  An operation that developed and manufactured the entire experience from top to bottom will become something you download on your Iphone or Droid.   Reuters is reporting that RIM may need to ditch the hardware part of the business in order to just survive.

In the end, RIM may fail, and Apple and Google will chew up the market share left behind.  With Palm finished, and Microsoft still clinging to life, you never know what the future will hold.  Personally I have owned/used nearly every type of cellular device in existence, and the one thing I will say is, when there was only one choice, and everyone had a Blackberry, you certainly didn’t have the buyers remorse you have now.  I just recently switched from my 4th Android device to the Iphone, and while there are many similarities, they are very different.  Both seem to offer something the other doesn’t, while also completely failing at the thing the other does well.  The crazy thing is, how much the Iphone and Android devices have changed over the last 3 years, and how little the Blackberry has changed.  For a company trying to dig itself from an early grave, you really need to have a game changer.  One look at Motorola will show how revamping the way you approach new products can take a company from the brink to sudden relevance all over again.

C’mon RIM.  Wow us.  Show your remaining few subscribers that there is still life left in the Blackberry tank.  Develop a product that is familiar, yet completely different from anything we have ever seen.  Create something that is smooth, fast, sexy and useful while never-resting to perfect it.

Oh wait…thats what Apple does.  Every 6 months.

Cast of Community

If you have never watched “Community”, you probably aren’t reading this.  For the uninitiated, “Community” is a Television Comedy series that airs Thursday nights on NBC.  It involves a group of students attending a Community College in the (Fictitious) town of Greendale, California.  If you need more background just go to the Wikipedia page, or youtube previous episodes. The fact is, the show is pure genius.  While most people will recognize Chevy Chase(Pierce) and Joel McHale(Jeff Winger), it’s the rest of the cast that really gives “Community” its flavor.  Donald Glover(Troy Barnes) and Danny Pudi(Abed) are a television Duo like none other, and lets not forget the evening television goddess Alison Brie(Annie). 

Allison Brie

That being said, it has come to my attention that although NBC renewed “The best show on network TV”, they have suspended production of the third season, and no timetable exists for realease of any new episodes.   WTF! I can pull all the stats, ratings and whatever else to support my claims(I’m not going to), but “Community” is one of the most original shows out there.  It’s like nothing else, and has one of the smartest casts on television.

 
Please NBC.. for my sake and all the rest of the “Community” geeks…dont cancel my show! I HATE tv shows, but I LOVE this one.  Don’t force me to watch old episodes of “Mad Men” in order to get my Alison Brie fix.  I am not sure what else you have on the Thursday night NBC lineup that is so incredibly awesome, but “Parks and Recreation” just doesn’t do it for me, and “The Office” hasn’t been good since the second season.
 
Dont screw this up NBC…I’m not fucking around.
 
-AB
 
***UPDATE- The folks at Uproxx.com put together a very nice “Best of Troy and Abed”..Give it a look!