Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I know this is a day late… but Fuck it, this is hilarious

 

-AB

Oh Christina…What might have been.   To think just a short time ago, You looked like this…

 

And even after  you pushed out that wailing bastard child of yours, you looked like this for a while…

 

And while looks aren’t everything, there is absolutely no excuse to have turned into this…

Good God.  You are world famous!!! You have MILLIONS OF FUCKING DOLLARS AND NOTHING TO DO BUT SIT ON YOUR DUFF AND THINK OF WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF MORE MONEY!!  Get a personal trainer, a gym membership, a dietician and a fucking grip on reality and fix your chunky ass!

-AB

Seeing as it’s the Friday before Xmas, and I will most likely be ignoring my computer till monday(Ok.. ok.. Sunday at the very latest), I should probably dedicate my posts to Xmas.  That being said, I can’t completely ignore everything else that is going on..  So forgive me If I am pulling a DeFranco , but I am going to quickly run through a couple stories that jumped out at me this morning..

The first thing I want to dive into, is probably the most interesting to me.  Being that I spend most my days trying to convince senior citizens to use their retirement money and buy a new Camry or Prius, this AutoBlog post kinda grabbed me by the nuts.  In 2011, Honda released a re-designed Civic to the masses.  If you aren’t old enough to purchase a car, or simply one of those redneck, all-american, “I only buy domestic vehicles” kinda folks.. it may shock you to know the Honda Civic is generally held as one of the most well-built, reliable, safest cars around…And this is coming from a guy that sells Toyota’s.  The fact they came out with a design change in 11 is not the reason for this post, the reason this is news, is the fact that the 2012 Civic was universally panned by nearly anyone in the car biz with a keyboard and a website.  The car is simply awful.  The interior is cheap, it handles like shit, and for a brand built on quality, this car is the opposite.  So what does Honda do? Honda dealers nationwide are being told that a new NEW Civic will be on the showroom for 2012 as a 2013 model.  You could say that Honda has heard loud and clear the disgust regarding Honda’s flagship whip, and is just being pro-active, and you may be right…What I see is anyone who purchased one of these lemon Honda’s…the car that only came out for one year…suing Honda for the piece of shit car they were sold.  Just think…5 years down the road, and you want to trade or “gasp” sell your 2012 Civic.

  How hard will that car be to get rid of?  “Oh, what year is your Honda? Umm.. the car that only came out for one year and was changed the very next year because it was a pile of fucking shit? No thanks.”  Nice work Honda!

On to the next order of business, Kris Humphries was voted the most hated man in the NBA. This is exactly why I hate the professional Basketball. I apologize if you have a brain the size of a walnut and you enjoy watching these douchbags play a game that should be reduced to one 5 minute quarter, but these witless wonders of the world spend WAY too much time patting themselves on the back and thinking about what outfit they are going to wear post game.  The mere fact that Humphries is more “Hated” then lets see…Kobe the Rapist? How bout, Ron “I turned an arena into a bar room brawl then changed my name to Metta World Peace” Artest?  Even more despised than Lebron “I need a stacked roster in order to get a chance at a title”  James? More hated than *****”I have 15 children out of wedlock that I don’t pay child support for”*****(name redacted as it could apply to at least 25 different NBA players/Coaches/Radio Announcers.  The guy is “Hated” because he married a fucking Kardashian,  and the folks at E have done an amazing job turning him into a villain.

Lets take a look at this should we?

And why is he hated exactly??  Lets be honest…I dont care who you are, but if you had a shot at Kim Kardashian…you would take it.  Now, getting married to her is something different entirely, but I still can’t hate him for it.  So lets cut the big guy a break.  He is probably glad he wont have to deal with her mutant sister and the rest of the whiney pieces of shit that associate themselves with this family.

Have a Merry Xmas everyone!

-AB

Thanks to The Chive and SenorGif for the material!

Holy Hell…. I have to own this!

Posted: December 16, 2011 by AB in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Today something beautiful happened.  Just when I thought life couldn’t get any sweeter, I received an email that could quite possibly change my daily life for the near future.  While I receive dozens of emails every day, most of which from various retail outlets and service providers simply letting me know about goods and services I could care less to be informed about, let alone clogging up my Gmail account…This one spoke to me….

This one was different..

BEHOLD!! The “Griddler”!
 
This machine is Fucking Amazing!! Serious,
it does everything! If there is something it can’t do, then I obviously don’t need to eat it…ever again.  And it can all be had for 1 easy payment of $99.00 or my deadbeat ass can finance the fucker for 3 months.  Either way, I will never find myself in a mealtime debacle ever again! Now you may be thinking, “AB, sure it looks very nice.. but my Foreman can cook a hamburger just fine”.  You know what, fuck your Foreman, he sucks ass.  The “Griddler” does things that George could only dream about.  Can your Foreman griddle pancakes or make a tasty omelette?? Hell no! The “Griddler” has removable plates that can be swapped with a flat griddle plate!
Look at that! George Foreman may have been the heavyweight champion of the world, but he’s old news now, and a has been.  Kinda like his griddle. 
 
But wait!!! Theres more!! No, there is no free set of steak knives with this must have kitchen accessory, but the “Griddler” has another skill that sets it apart.  Besides having a name that sounds an awful lot like a famous Batman protagonist…this machine of wonders makes Waffles…Yep.  Fucking Waffles. Not those thin, pathetic, store-bought type of waffle…I am talking full on, hearty, hold onto a gallon of syrup waffles.  Why own 14 different pieces of culinary hardware, when you can have this all in one destroyer of dinners??!
 
Now I just need to figure out where to find one.  Ordering via the email link sounds like a pain in the ass, and fuck if I am going to wait 3 days for this bad boy to show up on my doorstep.

Humpday Links

Posted: December 14, 2011 by AB in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

10 Movies with crazy shit after the credits– House of Geekery (Blog)

The folks at Johnnie Walker are marketing genius’s– WWTDD

Japan Tsunami aftermath as seen through Google Maps– AutoBlog

Ridiculous sex myths that you probably believe are true– Cracked

And the Dad of the year award goes to…-The Chive

1.5 Million for some old Apple Documents-Yahoo

Son of a bitch!

Posted: December 14, 2011 by AB in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Yea...umm....I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday...

Go figure, working on my day off. Ahhh… the joys of being a salesman. To be completely honest there really isnt any joy in being a salesman, at least not long term, self sustaining joy. You know, more like an orgasm. Lots of buildup, and explosion of good feeling, then its over. And you just want to roll over and go to sleep. And no, I dont want to cuddle. Repeat this process over and over and over again during a month and you will know what it is like to be in sales. Extremely gratifying for all of ten seconds, then you have to find the motivation to do it all over again.

Anyways, I have a lot of stuff to post today. Check back later

-AB

Batman is starting to look good

Posted: December 13, 2011 by AB in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

20111212-180800.jpg

Yep.. The new Batman is gonna pretty badass. I of course draw this expert conclusion from nothing more than the picture posted above. Apparently you can catch the first 6 minutes of the new flick by paying to see the new Mission Impossible. The impossible part of that equation is spending $16 to see a Tom Cruise movie.

We’re Back

Posted: September 27, 2011 by AB in Uncategorized

After a 3 month absence I am re-commiting myself to the Blog.  Way too much going on to not want to share my opinion with the world.  Not to say MY opinion is worth any more than the douchebags that control our medias, but it makes me feel better, and that’s whats important.  What I would like, however, is to hear the opinions of my readers.  If you think something is absolute bullshit, if you’re sick of the things going on around you, if the shit you see in the news makes you want to freak the fuck out, or the guy that sits next to you at work doesn’t bathe regularly and you want to share glorious tales of his stinky-ness(that’s a word, right?), then please! Share these wonderous written thoughts of yours!

 

Seriously though, shoot us an email at youwerentseriouswereyou@gmail.com

-AB

I saw the following headline from Reuters and decided I need to call my broker:

“Erection-boosting condom gets EU backing.”

I knew I loved Europe.  Futura Medical, a British medical company, just got their “erection-enhancing” jimmy hat recommended for approval.

In another month, uncut blokes in 29 European territories will be all the more willing to wrap their wedding vegetables.  The CSD500 (across the pond they name their rubbers like their sports cars) promises bigger and stronger erections via increased blood flow and dilated arteries thanks to a special gel in the tip.  “Whiskey Dick” is a thing of the past!

Expecting a revival of those catchy Trojan commercials from a few years ago?  Nay… the CSD500 will be a member of the Durex family, which is just fine because this blogger happens to be a Durex kind of guy.

I’m guessing the CSD500 will be next in a long line of things Europe has that the US doesn’t… sure we’ve got baseball and apple pie, but Europe has the Autobahn, beer at McDonald’s, Gemma Atkinson, and now a condom that gives you teak instead of balsa wood… I’m crossing my fingers though.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an E*Trade account to open…