Can anyone remind me why we didn’t allow the South to secede?

You know the feeling you have when you put on an old jacket or pair of pants and find a $20 bill in the pocket?  I had the same feeling when I caught a glimpse of the following headline:

“‘If Fred Got Two Beatings Per Day…’ Homework Asks“

Since nothing intrigues me more than stupid, corn-fed, inbred good ol’ boys, I was compelled to click the headline and read the story.  As you can imagine, I was not disappointed.

As the story goes, third grade teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary in Gwinnett County, Georgia thought it would be a good idea to give students math homework with a splash of racism errr, I mean… social studies.

This past Wednesday, third graders were given math homework that included the following questions:

“Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?”

“If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?”

Yet another question asked students to determine how many “baskets of cotton” Frederick filled.

Let’s cut the bullshit folks, this is just further proof that people from the South are, by and large, stupid.  Now, before you bombard me with a million and one examples of nice people from the South, yes, I know that they exist.  I’ll be the first to admit that Paula Deen and her sons are sweet as sugar, which makes the fact that everything they cook is smothered in butter, deep-fried, or will otherwise elevate my cholesterol to dangerous levels acceptable.  I’m not talking about that kind of Southerner.

The type of Southerner I’m talking about are the ones in the Discovery Channel’s “Moonshiners”, CMT’s “Bayou Billionaires” or “My Big Redneck Vacation”, and such wonderful MTV programs as “Teen Mom”, “True Life…”, “16 and Pregnant”, or “Caged”.  Take the promos for MTV’s “Caged” for example… as far as I can tell, this show revolves around high school-aged kids that have already decided that their only option in life is cage fighting.  One young woman who looks like she has yet to reach the age of consent in most right-thinking states is shown with a baby on her lap talking about how if her man doesn’t win, then his life is basically meaningless.  Correction sweetheart, his life and yours are ALREADY meaningless!  You’ve already pushed out a calf and he’s chosen the life of a punching bag!  My favorite part of the promo though is where they show footage of one of the guys drinking followed by footage of his “Mama” drinking while he explains that he drinks because he has to deal with his problems and his Mom’s problems.  Hmmmm… the more I think about it, maybe cage fighting is a too lofty of a goal for these folks.  Still not convinced people from the South, in terms of intelligence, are in in the third of the population that make the upper two thirds possible?  Then do me a favor, watch ESPN’s “Roll Tide/War Eagle”.  The level of stupidity will blow your mind.

Anyway, back to the racist fucking homework story that started me on this rant.  Think about it… the teachers who decided that math questions dealing with slavery and the beating of said slaves are appropriate for children under the age of ten are examples of the rarer, more educated redneck… these people have college degrees and are TEACHING CHILDREN!  And note that I said teachers, not teacher.  This wasn’t the result of one racist dumb ass teacher getting a burr under his/her saddle because a person of color looked at them wrong… no, MULTIPLE, “educated” people thought that this “cross-curricular activity” (the joyful euphemism a school district spokesperson used to describe the incident) would be a good lesson for THIRD GRADERS.

I know that people in this country get all bent out of shape about illegal immigrants from South of the border, but we should really be more concerned about the crayfish eating, moonshine guzzling, church going/God-fearing, racist, sister-fucking assholes here at home.  The Civil War and slavery ended almost 150 years ago… it’s time for people on the other side of the Mason-Dixon Line to GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY and stop raising future generations of racist animals!  Keep your personal bigotry to yourself and away from other people’s children!

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before word gets out that the high school’s mascot is the “Massa”, the Superintendent of Schools is a card-carrying KKK member, there are confederate flags in every classroom, and that the crossing guards are in black face and dressed as lawn jockeys.

And we often wonder why the rest of the world looks down on America… maybe they have a point.

If you’d like to read the story for yourself, it can be found here.