Facing 30 years in the clink, John Edwards is still thinking with his…

DICK.

While drinking my morning coffee and checking out Yahoo News, I stumbled upon this headline and proceeded to go APE SHIT:

“John Edwards Juror Flirts With Him.”

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to comment on a few things…

1. John Edwards, for those of you who are unaware,  is a pretentious narcissistic asshole.  Period.  Let’s review his list of accomplishments:
   1. US Senator from North Carolina (1998 – 2004).
   2. Vice Presidential nominee (2004).
   3. US Presidential candidate (2004 & 2008).
   4. Had an affair with a campaign worker WHILE HIS WIFE BATTLED STAGE IV BREAST CANCER.
      1. Not only that, but he continued the affair after copping to it despite that his wife was terminally ill.
   5. Fathered a child, with the above-mentioned skank.
      1. In typical political fashion, he denied being the child’s father for nearly FOUR YEARS despite admitting to the affair two years earlier.
      2. Edwards had a member of his campaign team claim paternity of the child and tried to convince him to find a doctor to falsify paternity test results.  In addition, Edwards asked the poor patsy to steal one of the child’s diapers so he could have his own DNA testing done.
      3. The cherry on this fucked-up sundae?  There are also reports that Edwards and the skank made a sex tape.  Did I mention this all occurred while his wife Elizabeth was terminally ill with stage IV breast cancer?
   6. Not comfortable outside of the limelight, Edwards is currently on trial and facing SIX FELONY CHARGES: four counts of collecting illegal campaign funds (allegedly to cover up his affair), one count for conspiracy, and one of making false statements.
      1. This is where Johnny’s narcissism is in full bloom.  While in the courtroom , he has been observed OPENLY FLIRTING WITH ONE OF THE JURORS!  Now, granted, she’s “only” an alternate juror… but, she’s present in the courtroom to stay hip to all of the deliberations and they’re flirting!  The jezebel in question is described as “…an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.”  Edwards, never one to turn away vagina of loose morals or questionable judgment, openly reciprocates her smiles and blushes when she giggles in return in full view of God and everyone.
      2. It seems that not even 30 years in prison and a fine of $1.5 million is going to prevent Big Johnny from trying to dip his wick.  I wonder, though, if he’ll blush as eagerly when he’s in the joint and the wanting glances come from Nasty Nate in the cafeteria or Big Steve in the shower room.
2. This trial is an absolute circus and a waste of time (and taxpayer dollars).
   1. “The Honorable” Judge Catherine Eagles is a disgrace to the bench and needs to be relieved of her duties immediately.
      1. Not only is she allowing Edwards and this juror to play patty-cake in front of a courtroom full of people, but she is allowing the four alternate jurors to be a distraction in general.  On Thursday, all four showed up in court in matching clothes, bright yellow shirts, while snickering aloud as Eagles addressed the court.
   2. Speaking of the alternate jurors, how in the hell did any of them make it through the selection process?!?  Don’t you need to be at least 18 to be on the jury?  These four jack-offs are acting 13 at best!  To be fair though, it is almost summer break, maybe they’re just anxious…
3. Lastly, I’ve got a nickel’s-worth of free advice for the this saucy, jet-black minx (who will be referred to as “Juror # Whore” for the duration of this post).
   1. Just think for a moment if things do work out… say you’re able to sneak in a passionate encounter with the defendant before he’s put away.  It will all be for nothing.  I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but Big Johnny violated federal law; and people in federal custody aren’t allowed conjugal visits, meaning he’ll never get to finish on your back.  But then, who am I kidding?  John Edwards has a kid out of wedlock, he doesn’t back down from a lie, and he certainly doesn’t pull out…
   2. Sweetie, didn’t your momma teach you better than this?  You don’t go after a washed-up former Senator that’s at risk of going up the river for the rest of his erection-getting life. You get a job on Capitol Hill clerking for a current Senator or Congressman willing to jeopardize their family and political career for a series eager blow jobs and enthusiastic-yet-hurried intercourse in campaign offices or dicey motels on the outskirts of town.  From there, the sky’s the limit baby… you AIM HIGH girl!  Solve those daddy issues!

In closing, I’d like to leave you with some food for thought:

1. If things happened a bit differently, John Edwards would be running this country right now.
2. If you find yourself facing some legal troubles and you find yourself in Judge Eagles’ courtroom, fear not, I’m sure she’ll preside over your case honestly and fairly.
3. Once this case has unfolded, there is sure to be an aptly-named porno chronicling this trial.

fees…Fees…FEES!!!!

The last few days have seen Twitter, tech blogs and now every reporting news outlet, reporting on Verizon Wireless and the new $2 convenience charge for using a Credit Card to pay your damn bill.  2 Bucks. For some, this will be of little consequence as they pay by good ol’ written/mailed check, and others will just simply switch payment methods in order to circumvent the FEE.  But to many, who rely of plastic to get them through this payday, this is another way for Corporate America to stick it to the man.

Fees have become corporate america’s lifeline, and as consumers its time we all wisen up and take notice. Do you ever look over your bills and itemize the amount of bullshit FEES you are charged each month?? It’s ridiculous!  I can understand in some lines of work the purpose of a FEE.  I used to work for a retail business that charged a $9 fee for the service we did.  This fee wasnt sugar-coated, it was what it was…9 bucks tacked on at the end to ensure an area of consistent profit to help operate the business.  We were a very small company, and the revenue was in constant flux, so to rely on this $9 helped keep us in business.  The thing is, we didn’t give it a bullshit name, or try to hide it, nor were we passing on a cost of running the business to our customer.

That being said, more and more companies are using fees to cover up for losses elsewhere and stick it to the customer in a way they can’t get around. This $2 fee is very easy to breakdown. Credit Card companies are being pressured by our Gov’t to be more “Consumer Friendly”.  They have been hammered the last few years for unfair practices and for the high interest rates they charge as well as the “FEES” consumers occur from using plastic. The Credit Card Companies see this and watch profits fall as they are now being more heavily regulated and cannot hammer every poor bastard out there with nonsense FEES and inflated interest rates.. so they simply pass this cost onto the large corporations that use their services.  In this case Verizon Wireless and the 107 million active subscribers they have.  Verizon looks at this and says, I don’t want to get stuck paying the 45 cents in credit card fees that this customer is costing me, even though they already pay to be a subscriber and I am making a hefty profit on them as it sits, so I will pass along a $2 fee.  This helps us in a few ways. For those with the means, they will simply switch to an alternate form of payment, and I will get my money at a lower fee( Verizon will still pay a fee for Check Processing). The other way this helps me (Verizon) is any poor sucker that can’t make these arrangements will have to take that $2 in the ass every month. To you and I 2 bucks isn’t going to kill anyone.. but lets consider the possible windfall for Verizon on this.. If 60% of all Verizon users get stuck paying that fee, in one months time Verizon will have increased revenue in the amount of $128 million dollars…in 1 month.  If Verizon is in fact paying out over 100 million dollars a month for Card Processing Services(They are not) then let me be the first to say they are fools to be paying that high of a rate. But that is not the case, this is for PROFIT, and they are using this FEE to get it rather than increase prices across the board.

It’s not just Verizon..its every major corporation.  This country is in shambles because of shit like this.  Our politicians think new legislation to make the large corporations play more fair and look out for the little guy will fix this country, and that is fucking stupid.  When revenue is reduced, they simply pass the costs onto the little guy.  They will continue to find a way to reach profit goals and fill their greedy pockets with more money than anyone of us will ever see.

Fuck em.

More info- MSN Money EngadgetMobile

Question of the day…

Read the Story Here

Is it possible for overalls to be “saggy”?!?

GREAT use of taxpayer resources there Arkan-saaaaaaaaaaw.  According to the president of the state education association, “We feel the bill can improve the learning environment in schools”… really?!?  ‘Britches’ that ride low are going to improve the classroom environment in your schools?  Look, I’ve seen the statistics, I don’t think your education system breeds many physicists, geneticists, Rhodes Scholars, or Poet Laureates.

Oh, and another thing… I noticed you also added specific language about clothes that expose the “breast of a female.”  Come on now… how many St. Pauli Girls are born in and/or attend school in Arkansas? Answer truthfully. Go ahead and take off your shoes if that will help you count them. I hate to judge, but I have a hunch that more Arkansas females become long-haul truckers than runway models. And that’s fine, but be honest with yourselves and let’s call a spade, a spade.

Maybe instead of waging war on saggy pants, you should focus on deterring your students from getting their sister drunk on prom night and encourage them to READ AN F’ING BOOK!